Today is the day...

Over the pacific ocean I go. Happy New Year Western World.

Here's a little farewell clip from me to you!

DLG has a YouTube Channel!

Oh and just in case you want to know what I`m up to on the islands, you may visit me at:

D.L.G`s YouTube Channel





or just keep following my blogs!







Have a wonderful holiday season and all the happiness to you in the new year!!!

the finishing touches...

2 days left here before I make my way across the Pacific Ocean to the islands of the Philippines. I will be flying towards the ring of fire with a mind as open and flowing as water. 


If everyone were in a constant state of large changes and moving and packing, everyone would almost always know exactly just what they have to miss. I have a list in my head of everything that is important and significant to me. What I know will hurt to miss but that I am so grateful to have that I could even miss it in the first place. 

Also in this state comes the realization of just how many unnecessary items I possess. Even though I probably have little in terms of what is average here in Ottawa but more in terms of the majority of the world. There are more living in want than in plenty and I have plenty. Plenty, plenty, plenty.. and sometimes it makes me sick when people don`t even take the time to love and cherish the gifts they receive before moving on to the next unopened gift greedily wanting more. 


Sigh. Sometimes this... being-able-to-see-both-sides-of-the-fence-and-know-the-grass-isn`t-greener-but-is-only-a-different-shade business is a little tormenting. 


Regardless of what my insides are doing, my bags are packed, the boxes are stacked, the food is eaten, last minute errands are done (I think), just a few finishing touches and I`m ready to go.


So long winter. Hello sun.

The end of the year is near...

And it's only new beginnings from here. I am completely uncertain of what exactly my path is but today I have promised myself my newest resolution: to have courage. I will liberate myself of my fears that I am not good enough, that I don't deserve and that I am not going to get ahead in life. I refuse to believe in that anymore and I will continue only to have positive affirmations for myself. I am good enough. I am good at what I do and I will get better. I will continue to learn and expand and I will receive what I am worth because I do deserve it. I will advance further than I imagined in life and I will achieve my deepest desires, or at least try because I no longer am afraid to put myself out there. I will go out on a limb, I will experience that which is good for me and that which I need in order to become the person I want to become. I will travel to the other side of the world in search for all that is right and all that is good and I will plant myself in the middle of all that is beautiful. I will love myself and accept myself and no matter what I believed in the past, I know I will be ok. I let go of any limitations and beliefs that hold me back and I will claim my share of all the abundance that the Universe has to offer. I am already wealthy beyond belief and I will be unafraid to accept everything about me, as well as all the good that comes my way. I know life is unbelievably wonderful and all that I wish is within my reach. This is a new year. I may not be a new person in all aspects, but I am nurturing that light which shines in me by letting go of all the negativity I hold in myself. It is never too late and I have all the time in the world available to me. I can do anything and I am doing so with courage.

Powder

Winter magic is remarkable. The feel of your board cutting through snow like butter as you float over top of it, and the wet flakes fall all around you in a simultaneous but random pattern. The quietness of everything around you, the silence of the trees and the calm of the air, puts you in a peaceful state of mind. This is all you need in life, at this moment it is pure contentment. When the snow blankets the earth, everyone sort of goes into a frenzy. It means certain things. It means that Christmas is coming. It means they've forgotten to put on snow tires. It means that the end of the year is here. It means that everything is dying but everything will come back to life again. It means that it's time to strap in that snowboarding gear and get on the hill before I leave for sand and sun. It means that change is coming and it means that we have aged. And although it is ever so much fun to complain about the snow (insert sarcasm) we must remember one thing: It will pass and the cycle will repeat itself. So, enjoy it. Find pleasure in everything to do with winter. Make up reasons why it's your favourite season and simply play and have fun. Have fun.

Wrinkled sheets

It's 5am and I can't sleep. This is what happens when you go to bed at 9pm.I work in a few hours and have yet to go back to bed. I wish I could sleep all day, but today is busier than ever. My head is full of garbage. I haven't been to yoga in a month and I think I really need to go, but there seems to be more to do before I go than ever. Yes, I gave my notice. Yes, I'll be in the Philippines in a month. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I am terrified. Yes, I have all these ideas. Yes, I need to implement them. Yes, I know I can do all of them. Yes, I will miss my best friends, my partners, my bed, my cat, my apartment, my independence. Yes, I am thrilled. Yes, I will be back. When... I just don't know yet. The end of the year is near, and it's only new beginnings from here.

funny days..

There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said before. I piece together the puzzle slowly, analyzing each colour and shape that could be the perfect fit. Have I mentioned how I like my solitude? The same cycle is always recurring. Now I can tell you when they full moon is coming. I am always going to feel this no matter where I am. It may be a little less, or a little more, but nonetheless this.... this feeling may linger.
It's been a wild year. I accomplished more than I realized and even then it was just on such a small scale. I see big things and take small steps. I can take my whole life to build my empire, remembering that it too does not have much significance. The way people remember you will sum up your whole existence. It is short, our time. But time is endless, there is so much time for everything. There is time to be happy about speckles of white fluffy clouds falling from the sky. There is time to dance around and type endless babbling on a screen that eventually will take away your vision. Perhaps I should enjoy this limbo I am in. Often it is the anticipation of what is to come that is more fun than what actually comes. I am free, free, free, free... for now. But I feel like an animal that has chosen to leave it's home: frightened, excited and alone. Ah, but I suppose I have lived my entire life like that. What is the difference now?

a letter unsent

It was never my dream. Although I do know I asked for it. Every experience that happens is because I wished for it to be that way.
Every thing I've ever gone through is because I am strong enough to overcome it. It is because I wanted to know what it was like to experience all things, and because I wanted to know how to feel and how to feel deeply with all of my heart. I wanted to grow, and I wanted to build myself up stronger than I've ever been before. I wanted to rise up and tell myself I could do it, even if I had to do it on my own. And now, I have asked myself to have courage. I have asked myself to be honest with myself and with others and so now the time is come that I can not avoid it anymore. The moment is upon me and although there will be many opportunities, I can not hold on anymore. I can see it in myself if I am to stay, that day by day my spirit will die. What is best for me, will not always be the best for others but I can not be afraid to do what is best for me because it is not the best for others. Hasn't that been my whole life? Always trying to do what might be best for others? Even if it hurts me in the process? Haven't I always set myself aside...
No.. I think about it now and I realize I wasn't as afraid before. I left and came back and left and came back. I will always have a life here, I am sure of it. So why have I been so afraid now? Attachment. Disappointment.
Over the years I have grown. I have changed and I have become more aware. I will never be able to replace these years that have passed me. I will always remember them. I see so much good that has happened, but I know that feeling when it comes.
The feeling of the desire to spread my wings... to fly and to see just what else this grand world has to offer me.
And I know, it will happen more than this one time. It happens many times.
I have just forgotten, but I will not be afraid.

They say we are one, and if that be true then of the dark side of me consists the darkness of everyone. However, if that really is true, then I am confident that there is more light in everyone and of them I have been built from pieces of their beautiful souls.

november...

Gray skies fill my peripheral.
The trees seem to have lost their child-like essence.
Everything is preparing for a deep slumber, things are moving slower.
The way the air feels is damp. Cool, as the fog hovers above the river, sweeping slow over the grass.
The grass that once was green has become littered with brown, wet leaves.
Slowly returning to it's roots.
I feel unsettled, as if something is going to happen.
But what, I don't know. The clouds promise snow.
The wind promises change.
Nightfall is so quick to come, but it does so like a stealth, without warning.
But there is no light coming from the moon with these November skies.
November is almost over. It is the month that signifies death, but at the same time, it promises rebirth.
The cycle will continue.

I feel too much. I have days where I feel like I can't stand being around people. Anyone. I have days where I feel like being a mute. Or a deaf. So I don't have to speak anything, or hear anything. What I hear makes my heart cringe and my soul wince briefly before the water flows it off me. The dirtiness. I feel like I can't stand who I am around words that don't mean anything, or conversations that are so... shallow. I feel like I can't relate, that even if I just "be", it is too... different. I am then considered, "upset", "cold", "judgmental." I feel like I need the silence. And I feel like I need to be alone. I feel like I need to listen to people because no one really knows how to listen. I feel like I want to shake people and tell them to wake up. I feel like I need to listen to myself. And remember that nothing that anyone says really matters. That nothing in the end will really matter, except for the things that brought me happiness. And the things that I never tried to do. I feel like I am so full of love, with constant battles of my past inner demons. I feel like my demons can win on days where I am so exhausted, spent, from listening, from creating, from... being. I feel like I see the best in people, and the worst in myself so I am constantly seeking to improve. I feel like even though I see the best in people, they can irritate me when they can't see the best in each other or in themselves. I feel like we waste so much time caring about all the wrong things, about all the wrong people. I feel like we don't understand anything. Like I don't understand anything. I feel like being in the bushes, far away from everyone. But then I feel like I will stop growing and learning. Because everyone is my teacher.
I feel like sleeping.

Fridays..

I'm not quite sure why I'm typing this right now. I've been sitting here for a minute, thinking.
Just about today. And everything I have learned over the past couple days.
I see it happening. I am simply an observer. An observer of Life who, at this moment, is
being wooed by her dreams. It is true, when you are searching for Love, you can see it.
Every day. Everywhere around you.
And when I was growing up I wanted nothing more than to be loved. To love and be loved.
So I have made it come true.

Winter is coming. I can feel it in the air.
And I can see it in just the way that the street lamps glow off the bare trees.
So lovely it seems.
And like the moon, whose tide comes and goes
As it goes from dark to full
I am reminded of why
Life is beautiful.

Good night.

LIES!

Pictures tell lies. Have you noticed that in photographs ordinary people look amazing beautifully. And naturally beautiful people tend to look... ordinary. And also, when you take a picture of a beautiful sunset, or an amazing view... it looks nothing close to the real thing. It gets dumbed down. As if to tell you that you can't even handle the awesomeness of it all and that in this picture, it had to tone down it's beauty for you. Nature's real beauty doesn't want to be captured in some stupid photo. It wants you to see the real thing, in real life. And experience it in real life. So it short circuits the camera and produces lies. Natural beauty is too real. And pictures are fake.

a little bit...

...of insanity can go a long way. What is the point of thinking normally anyway?
I had a teacher in kindergarten that told me to colour outside of the lines. And then a few teachers told me to think outside the box. Well, I just put my whole self right outside the whole box, far away from the lines... and observed everything that went in that box. It's amazing how full it seems, yet, there is always room for more.

hungry...

I'm like a sponge. A creative eating sponge. Ready to absorb and ready to wring myself out and soak up some more.

thoughts...

Highs and lows, ebbs and flows
Day by day, to and fro
No one knows where the path goes
But we go, we go, we go...
And suddenly we stop
Perhaps high above a mountain top
And see the world so vast,
See how time has moved so fast...
But here, in this stillness... the moment really lasts.
Isn't it exciting, just to be creating,
To even have the capability of contemplating
Dream-ship navigating
Through the course of the stars...
Everything is in reach, our hearts are never far
But it is patience. Patience.
Believing is achieving, life lessons happen for a reason..
The cycles do happen,
The changing of the seasons...
The cycles flows,
With our highs and lows,
We ebb and flow.

I'm lucky...

...To already know the meaning of Love.
...To have already experienced true Love
...To have been taught the true meaning.. and
...To be able to know the difference... and
...To have the knowledge on how to truly Love.

Saturday Night

I was lying on my bed next to my brand new snowboard wondering if it really was a suitable, logical purchase considering my funds. And then I came to an abrupt conclusion. The cure to all doubts is the knowledge that I may die at any moment. My snowboard brings me more happiness than most other things, especially in the winter. Can that really have a value? I might as well enjoy it and scrape up every morsel of happiness I can muster out of it. Regardless of the cost. Besides, I probably paid for the meal of a couple families in the process. And me, I get to have fun.

the scene

Is done. I would rather stay home then have to endure that again. Sigh. Every time I tell myself, I'll go out... it'll be fun, my girls are there, people I haven't seen in a while, whatever. And so I go. And I just remember why I rarely go out in the first place. What for? I don't like drinking anymore. I don't really like crowds. The places I go have shitty rap that I can't stand. There is no soul in these words and why am I paying to not have fun? To be fair, I do see some pretty cool cats that inspire me. And when I say pretty, they are pretty. And I can have fun sober.. in my own little mind, envisioning my own cozy home.. dancing around to another rhythm in my head.

ps.

because what I wake up for every day, and some days grudgingly leave the comfort of home for; what I call "work" I have now actually understood that it too is an art. It is not just a means to an end. And it is not just to pay my bills. It is my education. I am fortunate that in my profession, art and creativity come with the package and it is a bonus that it helps to pay the bills.

Like a crockpot...

Over the past few days I have noticed a change in myself and in the way that I operate at work. The place that I once felt love for, then irritation and frustration has now settled into a steady constant plateau. I have accepted that I will remain here for at least a little longer. Who knows when until, but while I am there I have decided (and I am inspired to use the term from my freewill astrology) to be like a crockpot; gradual, deliberate and thorough. Not only in my work, but in my art. I will feel at peace while I work. I will only do my work with the utmost quality, and I will try to achieve the best for myself in what I do. I will allow myself the freedom to learn, but I will have the confidence in myself that every move, every action, every creation be done with care. Quality. Control. I will focus on nothing but that task at hand as if I am sculpting a statue of gold. The only gold in the world. To put in the focus on that one task and do it well and with love, without criticizing myself or my work and also not mind anyone's opinions.. that is all I ask of myself. To be like a crockpot, cooking on slow heat, doing it's job and cooking up something entirely delicious, aromatic and to perfection.

Sleepy...

The alarm goes off at 5:45am. I roll over with a groggy head and silent the alarm on my phone. I know it will go off in 10 minutes time. I am so content where I am right now. I can feel the warm body next to me and I sigh happily as I turn into his side and fall back into a doze feeling him wrap his arm around me. We slumber comfortably until the alarm goes off again. With frustration I silence the horrible sound again. Why can't time just stand still right now? But I know it is inevitable that we must both go to work, so I try to cherish every minute I have. It feels so... nice. Have I ever woken up this happy? What did I do to deserve this? We shift positions and I turn with my back to him and smile as he moves in closer, to fill the space behind me. The alarm goes off again. I shut it off. This goes on for almost an hour. My day has started off in the best possible way.

People ask me where I find time to do everything that I do. I tell them, when you love something and you are passionate about it, time does not exist. I love many things so I always have plenty of time. I don't find time... I make it. I am the creator of time. My time. I also don't sleep much.

time alone

I need it. And sometimes I wish I had more of it. My battery seems to be extremely large and needs a lot of time to re-charge. Being alone does that. And these days, I've been feeling extremely.... introverted. I don't want to spend time with anyone. It's a struggle. I almost feel like I need to force myself to join society. I like one on one time. Time with people I don't have to talk to, listen to, or actually entertain. It's like I get an invitation and I shuffle around in my head wondering if this time will be more fun. More fun than staying at home. With myself and my cat. And then I go out, and I'm wishing I was back at home. What is the point? I am only happy when I am creating something. Not when I'm sitting at a table talking pointless babble to someone who doesn't really care. Or someone that actually only cares what I look like naked. Or someone that only really cares about their boyfriends. Or their money. I just don't care. Maybe that's why I envelope myself in my art, in my work, in creating... so I don't have to feel obligated to be a part of... lame conversations. Sigh. I hope this passes. Or I'll have to move into the bushes somewhere... somewhere far from society and only come into town to pick up more art supplies or collaborate on fascinating ideas with extremely fascinating, eccentric, wildly loving people.

Overwhelmed

I didn't think it was possible to get overwhelmed by your feelings for an activity. I also didn't think it was possible for a person such as myself to become overwhelmed by someone. But it has happened. I am completely devoted, ridiculously enamored, hopelessly head over heels and passionately in servitude for my best friend and for art. I can't even describe to you in words how intense it's becoming. Sometimes I can't even breathe. I can't even WRITE this. My heart fills up. My throat contracts. My insides ache for more. And it gets more intense when I think about the two. For fuck's sake, it's only 8am. I have to get ready for work. And the funny thing is. I'm so excited to get the work day over with. But not because it's over and I can go home and do nothing. But because I can go home and envelope myself in fun and creativity.. and when I'm lucky enough to have the same schedule, envelope myself in him.

mon amour..

Can it be so?

One can fall in love
And not know?
You can love someone
And not know you're in love?
There is no denying the heart,
When it chose from the start
Whom it couldn't bear to part.
Even if you tried.
Ah, denial.
Oblivious all the while,
When all the signs were apparent.
Clear.
I walked blind,
Memories on my mind
And thinking, when is my time?
When?
WHY?!
So silly of me, not to see.
But then again,
How could I know?
I had not yet grown.
I had no idea what love meant.
But in all this time that we've spent...
It's clear.
It was when I dropped all my fears
That I could grasp the concept
of love.
It took time,
But I know above all,
I needed to understand Love
before I could be in love.

the beauty in the breakdown...

The sun was about to set as I emerged from the Rideau Centre. I had immediately forgotten the construction going on with Mackenzie King Bridge. The once two way bridge had been closed in half so that the one side had officially been turned into the only side. They had constructed a makeshift platform with temporary bus stops while the bridge was being broken down to be built back up, better. Stronger. Don't we go through that in our wonderful mess of depression that we face every so often. Or maybe too often?

I stepped onto the bus and took a seat at the back facing the back doors. The bus lurched forward and I watched as an ambulance with it's bright lights pulled right up in front of the Rideau Centre entrance, cutting the bus off. We waited a few moments before the bus started up to creep forward again along the bridge. I silently gazed out the windows seeing the fences and construction men pass by before my eyes. We crossed the canal and I noticed the sun setting and it's reflection off the water. I noticed the way that it lit up the side of the Chateau Laurier, and how it seemed to wink at me through the trees, the buildings and through the fences that were meant to protect us from the danger of construction.

How funny we were being protected from construction when it looked like destruction. I was slightly taken aback by how calm it made me feel, and how plainly simple it was to me as I reveled in how I actually enjoyed feeling the disorder that it brought. The way people looked around, without their knowledge.. in awe. Things should be shaken up every once in a while. Things should be broken down even if they don't look they needed fixing. Sometimes the outcome is much better and sometimes it is necessary. I liked the confusion it brought. I could understand why it would confuse and irritate people when things were out of order.. when things weren't perfect as they had been the day before.

But really, don't we all find a way to make it work for us? Don't we just find a way to work around it? And eventually doesn't the chaos almost feel... normal? We end up going about our day just the same, with a minor adjustment in our plans. And when everything is back to normal... won't we just forget about all that disorder we once complained about anyway?

Ah. What a beautiful thing to see it all clearly now.

snow or rain?

I feel like I have come down with something, but I have no symptoms other than feeling drudgy, slow... tired. It seems like all I feel like doing is sleeping. Or maybe it's just because of my ridiculous backwards schedule... where I spend most of my evening engrossed in vampire stories and whatever the hell else I've been doing.

People expect me to have answers to their predictable question, "what have you been doing the past few days, how was your weekend?" But no, half of me knows it's just a question of habit, and the other half knows they probably don't really care. So I tell them truthfully, "I have no idea what I've been doing. I'm sure my weekend was wonderful at the time, but honestly, I can't really remember. It feels like one blurry dream." And then they laugh and tell me something stupid like, "Wow, you must have been so drunk, must have been a great weekend if you can't remember." No, you fools, I seriously don't care about what happened yesterday or two days ago. I'm here, right now, with you. Why does it matter? All our memories are just recordings that aren't even recorded properly into our own heads anyway. I feel like snapping at them.

Anyway, it's almost another full moon. Can it really be that time already? One full moon cycle, or month, has passed, again? I can barely keep up. Especially in the last few days of my stay-cation, the days are a blur. Ridiculous. What am I living for? No, I am not suicidal. I've just been wondering in awe what the purpose of life is when I don't remember anything right anyway, and all my dreams I have seem to be real. Sigh. It's like that quote I read somewhere about how when you get older you forget everything and you become confused with reality, and then the only things you start to remember are the ones that never really happened.

Am I even alive? Or awake, right now? I function on no sleep, my stomach doesn't like north american food and everything seems... oddly on pause. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my Life. Wasn't that the purpose of my stay-cation? To figure out what I want to do with my Life? I did... however figure out my dream job. I had myself type it out, print it and mount it on my fridge so I could force myself to read it everyday. I'll probably forget it's there. Discarded once used.

Anyway, what is the use of figuring out anything anyway? The weather can't even figure out if it wants to rain or snow. I'll wait for the weather to decide.

Another 5am?

Another 5am. I think I'm going insane. I know I bring this all upon myself, but seriously? Today I woke up at a quarter to 1pm. Is this how it would be if I didn't lead a normal life of human existence? God, I think I'm reading too much Twilight. I read the first novel in oh... if I had to count up the hours, I think it was about 6? 7? I started New Moon at about.. 2:30am. I am halfway through it. It is 4:58am as I type.

It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...

It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.

I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?

It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?

Am I wrong to even want it?

Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.

The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...

Why would I ever miss that?

Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.

Silly adults.

Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.

5am

I am awake at 5am making gifts!
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.

Stay-cation

I would like to pat myself on the back for my first day of stay-cation, where I have decided to stay inside my home and selectively choose whom I make contact with and how. I know, I know.. it really could be called dishonest, but seriously, I need my own time. I need some control of my Life right now and this week being my week off, I have decided to give myself the power to decide whatever I feel like and not feel guilty for it.

After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.

I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.

studying to the dream...

Blah. I am taking a break from the mundane textbook I am reading. I have an exam tomorrow worth $2000 and more. It signifies the completion of my apprenticeship in Hairstyling, allowing me to function as a fully licensed stylist. Meaning I can now own my own hair salon. And I have been reading this textbook looking back at when I was in class and how interesting it used to be for me. Now.. it seems like pointless babble. Jargon I am tired of. It's not that I don't love it.. I do love certain aspects of it. It's just that it's time for me to let it go.

And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.

It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.

But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"

And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.

Of no real meaning...

These symbols... words that you read on this screen right now, have no real moral to it. I'm just pouring out my thoughts and whoever chooses to read this right now has to bear it. This past weekend was the full moon. Sunday, October 4th to be exact. Some people may wonder what that has to do with anything, but for me, the moon really has a powerful effect on me. My body follows it's cycles monthly. I can tell you exactly when nature's worst time for females is upon me based on the monthly moon cycle. When I see the moon it has a calming effect on me. I feel peaceful. I could recall many moments when I have stared up at the bright, white circle in the sky and felt truly.. in awe. Any person that was me at that moment would have felt like no thing in the world was more beautiful and no moment except that one was perfect.

I just finished cooking dinner for friends. It was delicious. And I need friends in my life that love to eat in order for me to get that pleasure of cooking such a real meal. I can't cook like that for just myself.. it just seems like such a pity for one single soul to consume it and not share it with others.
These friends will be married soon. Well, on paper... since practically they are, by definition... married.

Part of me wonders if I could ever settle down and be with that one person that will be my best friend until I die. You know? That I would go grocery shopping with, cook dinners with, travel around with, create art with, talk deeply about everything with, and wake up and fall asleep next to. I love all these things that I write here... but no one has enticed me enough to follow through. No one has known me long enough for me to really care if it happens... and part of me just doesn't feel it enough with anyone to want to put in the time and effort. Because seriously, if I will commit, then that person sure as hell better know what it's like to be a friend first. A friend first, a lover second.
I do have a best guy friend. I've known for almost 10 years. I'm still getting to know him, and he's one of the best and most real friends I know and I will ever have. After 10 years of course I'm still getting to know him, he's always changing. And so am I. I'm still getting to know who I am.

I'm happy with this person that I call my "Self". I'm happy with who she's becoming, who she wants to become. Who she is when she is alone in this room typing away, and who she is when she is surrounded by precious humans. I love who she is when she is just doing what makes her happiest. And I've become more loving of who she is when she is sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely. After 24 years of getting to know her... she is definitely gaining strength and becoming... more... real.

Maybe that's what it's about. What attracts me... people who are real. Things that are real. Of real importance... that have depth. That are real enough to touch me deeply. That are real enough to have their own answers. That are real enough just to be.

Unbelievable...

Unbelievable how the days turn into nights..
Unbelievable how the sun hits the clouds just right
And lights up the sky.
I almost can't find the words to describe this high,
This feeling of light since that night..
I have grown closer and older and this notion of future
Isn't so scary.. there's no hurry or worry...
I am so happy
That
My greatest mentor in Life
Is the one that's always there for me.
Unbelievable how it took this long
To see that I've been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find faces to fulfill me
When really all I needed was to be empty
And the one that could help me
That one that helps me feel strong
Was the one that was right there all along.
Unbelievable.

The past is now behind me.

September 27, 2009 is the day I confronted my past. It was also one of the worst experiences of my life, and I would never wish that upon anyone. It is also one of the best things I could have experienced. I feel a thousand times lighter, everything a little bit clearer and life is just that much more wonderful. If there is anything that you can do to make yourself a better, stronger, kinder person... do it. It will be amazing for the world. And while we may have to revisit those deepest, darkest places from time to time... it will be easier. The way will be lit up with a thousand and one candles and it will never be scary again.

que sera, sera

I have come to terms with the fact that I am uncertain of my direction. I am okay with not knowing, because really... there is nothing I can do about it right now. Right now I can do A, B and C... all the way down the alphabet until I get to Z. Which may take a couple of years anyway. When I think about all of that future stuff it makes me realize how silly it is. Like a friend of mine once said, "you can plan all you want to, but sometimes Life changes your plans for you." I think she said something like that. Regardless, it is true. Such is life. What can we do about it except appreciate everything we have right now. I have everything I could ever want. What makes me think otherwise, is my beautiful and cruel twisted ego, which I am working very hard at trying to shut up. And one more thing, in order for one to move into the future, one must first let go of their past. I will be doing this tomorrow and I will cry my precious little brains out until all of my horrible memories, traumas, failures and cruelties to other beings is no longer locked away. And once they are all out in the open with my bleeding heart soaked in tears, I will take them and burn them. I will thank them for being a part of me once, for making me and shaping me into who I am now, and I will tell them that they are no longer welcome in my head as negativity or depression. If they happen to return begging for me to feel their pain, I will simply smile at them and say, "no thank you.. I have already turned your pain into strength."

The Plan...

I was almost 5 when I arrived in Canada. By the time I was 7 I had already planned my escape. I had decided that I didn't really feel welcome at this place I was supposed to call home. I mean what was with all those awful looks I would get from this person that apparently I was supposed to call Mom? Who was this lady anyway? Why did I always get these vibes of anger from her? Why was she using such a mean tone with me? Had I done something wrong? All these questions would come up in my mind everyday.

I remember becoming quiet anytime she would enter the same room. Even if I was in mid-sentence. Especially if I was talking to the man I was supposed to consider my dad. I remember feeling scared that I would upset her. I remember feeling bad if she saw that I was laughing and playing and having a good time with her two kids I was supposed to think of as brothers. Why was I feeling this way? I felt she hated me and I didn't even know why. I didn't even really understand who she was. What was I doing here?

I was tired of feeling confused, sad and lonely. The only place I really loved was school. I was in love with my teacher, Mrs. Vasilla. I am unsure of how you spell that, but she was always so loving and had this amazing smile on her face. She really cared about everyone in that class and we learned so much from her. I had great friends that I could play with and these awesome cubbies that we could all fit in and sit comfortably. Our very own private niches. I remember one recess having this talk with another little girl about how we hated being at home and that we should run away. We talked about it, and little did she know I had already been thinking about this for days. I decided I would include her in my plan.

So the next morning I woke up super early and tiptoed down the stairs making sure not to hit any creaks and cracks that would give me away. I carefully opened up a kitchen drawer and took out small ziplock bags. I filled them with food: marshmellows, lucky charms, chocolate chip cookies, trail mix and apples. I then snuck back upstairs and stuffed some clothes and underwear into my knapsack covering my food and then piled my school things on top. It was working out perfectly. I didn't say so much as a word as I simply followed orders from this supposed mom when she awoke, and then I went off to school.

I went the whole day in school quiet, yet excited about my escape. At recess I explained to the other little girl what I had planned. I had everything prepared for us to run away. We would go after school and set up our new home in the little house attached to the play structure. It was perfect shelter and I even had food, clothes and blankets. We would meet at this spot at the end of the day. My friend nodded in agreement. I was excited I wouldn't be alone and we proceeded to play.

I thought my plan was going off without a hitch until the final bell rang signaling the end of the day. I went to get my bag and was about to find my friend when my teacher approached me. She kneeled down in front of me and said, "Is there anything you want to talk to me about?" I shook my head. "No? There is nothing going on at home that you want to tell me about?" I shook my head. I could feel my eyes welling up. "Ok, sweetheart, your friend tells me you're planning on running away from home. She told her mother and her mother told me. I think we should call your mother." I burst out into tears. Why? How could this be happening? I don't want her to know! That girl was supposed to keep her mouth shut and she said she would come with me! I don't want to go back home! These thoughts whirled around in my head as I cried and cried and cried. My teacher just held me.

I never said much. I couldn't even find the words to explain to anyone what had happened, or why I would want to run away. What was the point? That evening after my supposed mom had picked me up and taken me back to that wretched house, she sat me down on the couch. I was stiff next to her waiting for some sort of punishment. Something cruel. But she surprised me. In the whole time I have known her she had never given any form of affection to me. But this one time, and it was the first and the only time in what would be a long, long time after that, she looked at me with tears in her eyes, a pained face and gave me a big hug. I could feel all of her sadness, and we both sat there for a long time and cried together.

Intermission... A Note on Friendship

I was just about to sit down and recall a memory of when I was about 6 years old, when my phone rang. Let me first explain to you that the caller on the other end was someone whom I had figured had removed herself from my life for reasons unknown to me... but she explained, while I patiently listened, all the reasons as to why she had vanished out of my life for almost half a year. We have both grown so much, and changed so much even in that tiny window of time. And to be taking the time to have a conversation of pure honesty is so refreshing. Friendships are relationships. We must remember that any relationship worth keeping is a relationship worth the time and effort of maintaining, for better and for worse. Meaning, if you choose the people in your life wisely and you choose to love them, then you must love them unconditionally. You must let them go if you have to, you must remain nonjudgmental in their choices, and you must always keep your heart open to them. And this is a practice. A constant awareness. These friends will be able to teach you things about yourself, while reminding you to have gratitude because these types of friends do not come easily and are far and few between.

The $30, 000 baby

I have vague recollections of my early days in the Philippines. Sometimes I wonder if I have dreamed it, or if they really existed. I have recollections of climbing bars with vines surrounding it. I have flashbacks of me running somewhere to play with palm trees everywhere stretching high into the sky, and my mom shouting at me to be careful and maybe not to run so fast. I have one image that stands clear in my mind of my mom and I praying side-by-side, by the bed as the sun sets. Maybe she was praying for me to have a better life. Maybe I was praying never to leave her side.

I was born accidentally, in my moms last years of menopause and 10 years after her last child. Because of her age and the frailty of her body, I was born 2 months premature and was kept incubated. It seems even as a baby I was in a hurry to experience life, costing my parents about $30, 000 just to keep me alive. Philippine Pesos or not, that is a hell of a lot of money. When I was about 2, my father died of a heart attack. He left behind a family of 9 and a stressed out mother with hardly any money to support her children. I am really uncertain of all the details and have only been told bits and pieces. The last time I saw her and I asked her about her decision she said, "I was sitting here in the dark, in this old house with nothing, no electricity and with no money even to buy my baby milk. I asked God what was I to do? And this was the answer." This is the day her heart broke. I am not sure if it really has been amended since then.

I was almost 4, perhaps close to 5, I embarked on the journey of the beginning of my Life. Really. I was asked the question, would I want to go to Canada for a vacation? A rhetorical question at that. So unsure of what was to come, I boarded a plane with an almost perfect stranger and headed to the land of opportunities. This almost perfect stranger would be my father's sister. The ironic and cruel twist of fate would have it so that this very fact would change my life. She had two boys with a Canadian man and couldn't have anymore. Her husband wanted a girl and so when my mom was pregnant with me, the offer was laid out: if it is a girl, can we have her? The answer at the time was no. The answer 2 yrs later, was yes.

It took almost 3 years for the paperwork to go through, during which my soon to be replacement father would send me vitamins to eat in order to remain healthy. And I did. Apparently my only attempt at fighting the change was coming up with a high fever on my way to Canada. Other than that, I had no complaints. I vaguely remember being carried into the airport, meeting a handful of people and receiving a teddy bear, whom would be my most devoted companion for the majority of my life. The $30 000 baby (probably more with the paperwork, flight etc.) had arrived.

Rummaging in the Darkness

If someone were to point to a deep, dark, cold hole in the ground and tell you to jump in with nothing except one solitary match and say "don't use it until you've found something in there to light it with and keep it ablaze," what would your response be?

When confronting any trauma it has been said that the best way to overcome it is to look it directly in the eye and face it with no fear. When letting go of the past one has been told that one must first focus on what must be let go of, feel it very deeply, forgive and then let go. After, one is then free to move forward with nothing hindering progression or growth. Sometimes a lot of what holds a person back is their inability to let go past traumatic situations, whether they are conscious of it or not. I suppose in order to transform it is best to wrap your beautiful ugly into a cocoon and remain still, in the darkness, until nature permits you to exit your shell with exquisite wings, free to fly.

And so here we are. I am prepared to wrap my beautiful ugly into a cocoon, jump into the dark hole with the single solitary match and be still until there is something that can keep the light ablaze long enough for me to find my way out and spread my wings.

It starts long before I was born, but that story would be ridiculous for me to try to narrate as I don't have all the details and I'm sure I never will. I will try as best to recount the events of my childhood in a chronological order, but as I attempt to lift the haze and break down years of hardened molten lava encompassing solid, concrete walls, there may be memories that float up unannounced. So the order of these may be jumbled, but then such are the memories of life...

24 hour cycles

From the last time I wrote to now, I have been feeling suddenly restored in spirit. Physically I am still tired, especially in my eyes. Last night before falling asleep I told the Universe that I am here for it to do whatever it wants with me. This may sound crazy yes, but I have given in. At least for the time being, I am allowing myself to follow through freely. Flow like water. This morning when I woke up I asked myself to please go through this day at peace with whatever was to happen and see the world through my heart instead. It worked. I floated through the work day unflinching. I feel much more relieved that my equilibrium is being restored. Perhaps not totally, but I believe a few more days alone will do it.

Believing is a powerful thing. The mind is such a powerful force, and it is hard to take care of and observe. But one must. One must in order to set priorities straight, to be able to listen carefully to the heart and also to be able to make decisions wisely through a clear mind. There are few tasks that take more effort than this one, but even fewer tasks where the reward is significantly greater than any dollar value. What I have just witnessed myself experience in the past 24 hours, is definitely greater than any dollar value. Definitely.

3am

There is something about being awake at 3am. Perhaps it is because it is the hour that the streets can be almost completely bare except the few drunken homeless people that meander about in a happy, yet angry daze that time does not exist for them.

I have been "spilling the beans" as I've heard it been called. Pouring out every inch of my soul with honesty, even if it is killing me. Or healing me. Not quite sure which one it is right now. I am perhaps one inch closer to feeling free. I was asked the question, "so what will you do then?" and in my mind I thought, well, there are many things I could do, all of which would only sound irresponsible to fully devoted, well planned and routine-based business people. It is not that I want to assume no responsibility, it is that I am feeling spiritually unfulfilled. I don't need to explain this to anyone. It is my heart that is crying out to me. I have not been listening.

So... I try. I try to listen. Tell me dearest heart, what would you love to be doing? If you could, what have you always wanted to try doing? Creating it says. Writing. Traveling the world taking pictures. Writing about traveling the world. Creating images and art based on what I've seen in the world. What my heart has felt. Indulging in luxurious pleasures while remembering I am even so lucky to be breathing this air. Spending time with family whom I see... what feels like every 100 yrs.

Of course I am exaggerating. I just despise using work and money as the only excuse as to why I can not visit my mother. My dear mother who gave me up only so that I could have a better future. My dear mother who thinks she has lost me to the world and that I will never come back. My dear mother whom I owe my unconditional and undying love and life to. She is the reason why I am here.
And all so that I could be happy, healthy and with a world full of opportunities.

But I can not do anything without help. I am just too shy, too proud and too fearful to ask for help. So.. here I am ready to ask. In the form of words... on a screen and with whomever wants to be reading this. Here it is. Universe, I need your help. I am uncertain of what I should do with my Life. All I know is that the industry I am in currently has me feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. There are areas of the industry that I LOVE to do, which involves a more creative side. But, I have been told that I can't live this way and that I need to make my bread and butter.... I know this, but I only feel like I am simply feeding the ego of others. I know the people I meet are helping me in many ways too, but I don't feel like my purpose is just to help people look pretty and take their money.

I can't help but feel like my time with them is up soon and it isn't the only thing for me. I want to help people. I want to write. I want to travel the world and meet inspirational, soulful people and write about my journeys. I want to create art and inspire. But where do I even start? I have been told that if you do what you love the money will come. But what if what you thought you loved, was only what you needed for the time being and was simply a stepping stone to guide you? What if I am wrong about what I love to do? I have no answers at 3:43am Universe, but please show me. Guide me and steer me in the right direction. Help me find certainty and purpose in my life and the love in my heart. And please, teach me not to be afraid.

So this is how it is..

I am re-enacting a free bird. Ok, not quite so much free as sitting at the opened cage door, peering out into the world with wide eyes. I am no longer afraid, but I am excited. The last few days have been a sort of ache. A lump lodged into my throat and a burning in my belly. What will I do with my Life? And why is it all bubbling up now when weeks earlier I seemed perfectly content with the direction of my Life. Or had I been lying to myself all along? Sort of brushing off my little inner voice that screamed "FREE ME! THIS CAN'T BE ALL YOU WERE CREATED FOR?"

I must be honest with my Self and follow my heart into contentment... even if I have no idea where that path is supposed to start and where it will take me. I asked for a life of experience, one where I can learn and take a journey into my Self. I wanted to find out who I really am. DEEP inside me. Well... here it is folks. The little spark has ignited and each day it is burning brighter. I plan to take this little spark and one day have it engulf the sky in arrays of purples, reds, oranges and yellows. Until then, it starts here. Today... this minute. It is a stepping stone that I must appreciate. I can only move from here, from now. And as I have discovered, I need practice with that. More practice and more solitude.

The art of doing nothing...

My idea of nothing however is to lie on my bed until I feel the need to wake up and type something like this. It also consists of roaming around in my pj's until I feel like showering. The biggest thing of all of this is that it inspires me to paint... which isn't really doing nothing. However, when I am in my art... it is that which stills my mind to nothing. No thinking.

Because goodness knows, these past few days have been consistent thought. What am I going to do with my Life? What am doing in this relationship, and could it even be called that? Do I really love my job? If I was to do something else, what would it be? Do I want to stay here, where it is so comfortable? And if I was to go somewhere... where would it be? Why does any of this matter?

"I am undergoing a process in which I must first break down my whole entire idea of myself, throw it in the air and wait to see where the wind takes those pieces. Then when they land, see what shape they will be in."

I am new

Currently my blogs reside here: http://blog.myspace.com/maddflipped....
but I will put them here soon.