3am

There is something about being awake at 3am. Perhaps it is because it is the hour that the streets can be almost completely bare except the few drunken homeless people that meander about in a happy, yet angry daze that time does not exist for them.

I have been "spilling the beans" as I've heard it been called. Pouring out every inch of my soul with honesty, even if it is killing me. Or healing me. Not quite sure which one it is right now. I am perhaps one inch closer to feeling free. I was asked the question, "so what will you do then?" and in my mind I thought, well, there are many things I could do, all of which would only sound irresponsible to fully devoted, well planned and routine-based business people. It is not that I want to assume no responsibility, it is that I am feeling spiritually unfulfilled. I don't need to explain this to anyone. It is my heart that is crying out to me. I have not been listening.

So... I try. I try to listen. Tell me dearest heart, what would you love to be doing? If you could, what have you always wanted to try doing? Creating it says. Writing. Traveling the world taking pictures. Writing about traveling the world. Creating images and art based on what I've seen in the world. What my heart has felt. Indulging in luxurious pleasures while remembering I am even so lucky to be breathing this air. Spending time with family whom I see... what feels like every 100 yrs.

Of course I am exaggerating. I just despise using work and money as the only excuse as to why I can not visit my mother. My dear mother who gave me up only so that I could have a better future. My dear mother who thinks she has lost me to the world and that I will never come back. My dear mother whom I owe my unconditional and undying love and life to. She is the reason why I am here.
And all so that I could be happy, healthy and with a world full of opportunities.

But I can not do anything without help. I am just too shy, too proud and too fearful to ask for help. So.. here I am ready to ask. In the form of words... on a screen and with whomever wants to be reading this. Here it is. Universe, I need your help. I am uncertain of what I should do with my Life. All I know is that the industry I am in currently has me feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. There are areas of the industry that I LOVE to do, which involves a more creative side. But, I have been told that I can't live this way and that I need to make my bread and butter.... I know this, but I only feel like I am simply feeding the ego of others. I know the people I meet are helping me in many ways too, but I don't feel like my purpose is just to help people look pretty and take their money.

I can't help but feel like my time with them is up soon and it isn't the only thing for me. I want to help people. I want to write. I want to travel the world and meet inspirational, soulful people and write about my journeys. I want to create art and inspire. But where do I even start? I have been told that if you do what you love the money will come. But what if what you thought you loved, was only what you needed for the time being and was simply a stepping stone to guide you? What if I am wrong about what I love to do? I have no answers at 3:43am Universe, but please show me. Guide me and steer me in the right direction. Help me find certainty and purpose in my life and the love in my heart. And please, teach me not to be afraid.