confessions of a psychopath

My time here is ending. In fact 13 days and counting. What if I never wanted to leave? All this time I went back and forth between staying here or going back. And now that it's almost time, I falter in my step. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? And why is that always the question anyway. I could scrape out my insides right now for tearing up my mind. If someone were to take the images out of my mind during this moment, they would be scared. Yes, at times I really believe I am mental. Perhaps I am empty. Well, if I was empty, I would be more at peace. The honest fact is that I have many demons, as you must know if you read this completely pointless blog of mine. We all do. They say in order to battle your demons you must keep yourself busy. I must have a lot because I always want to be doing something. I am always doing something. I work when I should relax and when I relax I feel guilty. I want to go back and then I don't. I want to snowboard and then I want to kite surf. Who gave me these choices in the first place? There are always two sides. Yes, I know I am blessed. I am blessed because I have had experiences that gave me lessons that few are privileged to learn. I have gone to hell and back on my own accord and yes, I am blessed for being able to have that option. That choice. That feeling of knowing. But there are always two sides. What if I never knew what that was like? Sometimes knowing and having experiences can really screw your mind up. It distracts you from your purpose and you always are unsatisfied. Stupid miserable artist.