Freya my model

Let's Skate.

Model: Freya Jones

2010

I Want Out.

Model: Freya Jones

2010

rainy days bring crazy days

So, I could sit here and empty out my mind onto this screen and feel good about it... but then when I do write whatever comes out, I often press the backspace button several times until it's all deleted. Can I do that with my mind? No. It's ridiculous to think so. I watch it now, you know, my mind. I watch what it thinks. I'm getting better at knowing what I'm feeling based on what I'm thinking. It's not easy. Today I had visions of me in an empty room with a mattress on the ground typing away. I thought to myself, could it be possible to be happy with that one empty room and my pens, papers and possibly a computer to click away on. Of course. I saw no one around me, because during the time I was thinking about this I was actually feeling anti-social. I love humans. I love people, I really, really do. But they cause me so much grief sometimes. The peer pressure of everything. Of having to be at certain events. Of having to know and care for everyone and to accept them. Of having to say good-bye and then be sad they are gone. Of being hurt and happy and all these cycles of emotions that people bring to you that you can barely control because of these circumstances surrounding them. I am a sponge. It's hard for me to wring out the excess. I feel a lot. I also can't stand it some days and other days, I can. I don't like the feeling of wanting to hate people, but I do feel it some days. I sometimes just get so disgusted by everyone and their actions and the fakeness I see on their faces.... the way that they hide from their pain and run from their past. I hate it because I see those dark places in me... they aren't so dark anymore, but they are still there. But why, I wonder.. why can't we all just be more real. Why do we waste our money on stupid things like sex, when we have beautiful families, or... or booze when we have plenty of real happiness around us. We're making excuses for our mistakes. We cover them up and bury them until one day they resurface and fuck us up. We lie there thinking, how did it all happen and play it all back. We live life backwards, saying... oh... it's ok, we're young. We're allowed to do stupid things, and fuck everyone like they're just objects, and make all these mistakes even though we aren't actually happy doing any of it. We live in denial of our own happiness thinking we don't deserve it, so we do everything to cause ourselves to suffer. And the thing is, I feel these things.. you know.. suffering, hating people and hating the world and experiencing the exact opposite; loving people and loving the world... and it drives me all crazy you know. Because neither is right or wrong. Everything is the same. Every experience in every country and city and everyone is the same. All sharing the same thing, so my love is really hate and my hate is really love. And I know I am perfectly crazy and disgustingly sane. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Why would I want to have it any other way? It's the human drama and the human emotions. Raw human emotions and a passion for everything awful and good... but I can't trust anything I think at any moment in time because at any moment in time it can change.