all these things we can never know, we don't need to

There are days where I will run from it all and try to escape the downfall of my heart. I am a silly, silly girl who is afraid to give 100% to just one thing. Just one person, even her own self. I forget to have faith in the universe that I am fine and that I am in the right direction. I get clouded by doubts and petty thoughts that ends up whirling me into a rabbit hole while the dirt falls on top of me. I claw at my own skin letting my fingernails fill with dead skin particles. I know that even though it is dead, it is still me. Perhaps I did die a long time ago and I will forever be searching for my body. Or perhaps my body is forever searching for it's soul. The truth is maybe I like it this way. Maybe I like my own bitterness because without it I wouldn't know happiness. I am unlike everyone, and everyone is unlike everyone else. Except, I know that I am also like everyone and everyone is also like everyone else. I like being around my family, because I speak less but I dislike it because I am unable to communicate in ways that I truly want to. The beauty of art is that I can communicate and it will be perceived in many ways and neither one of them will be wrong. If only words were like that. If only words were easier, there would be less pain. I cause my own pain. I also cause my own joy. I question myself because there is no one to question me. I doubt myself because there are many that judge me. Silently. And I accept because I need it. I need all the negativity in the world so I can pick it all apart and know more. I know once I know more, I will not need to know any more. I will not need. Or want. And it could be a lifelong process that when I'm 65, I will be purely content with myself and my life instead of just saying I am. But I say that I am because it's good practice to be in the mind frame you wish to be in, always. I am happy. I am content. I am just going with the flow. I am just being.