ok go

Someone once said that when you try to battle your inner demons they get worse. That if you are trying to fight with your pain body, that it just holds on tighter. Today is an example of that day. The truth is I like it. I need these days. But then I think, will this just distance me more? Don't I look normal? Why is it then that I just don't want to be around many people that often? It's funny because whichever work I choose, I surround myself with people. I can be myself in that work environment and I never feel wrong being around everyone, socializing, delegating... But you take me out of that work situation and I can't enjoy it as much. I'm a little homebody. I go to work to be around people. I come home to be alone. I think of my dad. He doesn't have any friends except for his neighbours at the cottage, his family.. me. He's happy. I think the issue is still that at our age we try to fit in because that's what seems right. At my age, I don't think I'm like that. I need to be around fewer people so I don't have to feel a need to fit in because truthfully I don't care. It's all a show anyway. We're mostly ourselves when we're alone. Or maybe with that one special person. But even then... the time when you can most be yourself, free of any other thought, other voice, other influences, is when you're with you. Your demons and your thoughts and your feelings are the ones that know you best. They always said the path to enlightenment can be lonely. They said that sometimes you have to walk your own path to know yourself and be happy. It's a sacrifice many people are unwilling to take, which is why many people are truly unhappy. Then there is me. I find everything in myself that makes me unhappy and I sit there. I bath in it and I analyze everything that it is. I want to know where it comes from. I want to know how it feels and where in my body it touches. I know it's not permanent, but I want to know it anyway. Because when I'm happy, I'm really, really happy. The world and it's beauty touches me in ways that no human being can. I sang a song today... freestyled it with the guitar. One line in  it went "What makes me happiest isn't the same as what makes most. And I try to fit in to this society I'm living in but I won't and I'll be alone until I'm old."
I accept that feeling. It's real. No one knows how to feel anymore. No one wants to... they just bury it in other things that numb them. Don't feel bad for me when I'm sad. I'm doing all of it myself because I like it.