regardless, I love you.

I have the luck of having two mothers. Both of which pretend to like each other. One mother is by birth and the other by... selection or, if you want to call it, fate. The latter is in paperwork though still by blood; my auntie, whom I have struggled to co-exist with in the same house, let alone the same planet. I used to think it was my fault. It's not anyone's fault. Due to past traumas and psychological experiences, she treats me... well.. differently. I refuse to be negative about this situation and I won't indulge personal information on this world wide web, but I will say that I want the ripple affect to stop now. With me. I refuse to pass on this treatment and I refuse to have children until I can safely say that I am strong enough to overcome the past traumas she has brought me, so that I may only show my children love, respect and fairness.

When you tip-toe around someone and try not to crush eggshells, it can be tiring. I am never myself. Don't show too much happiness. Don't be too sad. Do NOT cry. Do not ask for anything. Do not be a real family member. Do not speak. Do not do anything without asking first. Do not live with her. Do not hug her. Do not show her love. It seems exaggerated and ridiculous, but it is truth. Rationalizing with her never helps and the best thing is to suck it up and agree with her. With everyone else, she is fine. With me.. well, I told you already, it's different.

Our relationship teaches me a lot about who I am, who I would like to be and how I should treat others. If anything, this is the reason I accept her just as she was then and just as she is now. In my perfect world I would take away her anger and her hurt and her suffering and I would change the things that happened to her in order for her to be happy. But then I wouldn't be who I am now. Strange isn't it? To suffer and then to reap the benefits of someone else's suffering in order to build up to become a stronger, kinder person.

When I tell people this, I realize it's difficult for them to understand. Just tell her you love her. Just hug her. Just do something nice for her. I do. I have. I try. But realistically, we have what we have and our relationship is as it is. You can not change someone. You can not change the past. You just dodge arrows, turn them into flowers and send them back if you can and most of all, accept it and still love them unconditionally.