snow or rain?

I feel like I have come down with something, but I have no symptoms other than feeling drudgy, slow... tired. It seems like all I feel like doing is sleeping. Or maybe it's just because of my ridiculous backwards schedule... where I spend most of my evening engrossed in vampire stories and whatever the hell else I've been doing.

People expect me to have answers to their predictable question, "what have you been doing the past few days, how was your weekend?" But no, half of me knows it's just a question of habit, and the other half knows they probably don't really care. So I tell them truthfully, "I have no idea what I've been doing. I'm sure my weekend was wonderful at the time, but honestly, I can't really remember. It feels like one blurry dream." And then they laugh and tell me something stupid like, "Wow, you must have been so drunk, must have been a great weekend if you can't remember." No, you fools, I seriously don't care about what happened yesterday or two days ago. I'm here, right now, with you. Why does it matter? All our memories are just recordings that aren't even recorded properly into our own heads anyway. I feel like snapping at them.

Anyway, it's almost another full moon. Can it really be that time already? One full moon cycle, or month, has passed, again? I can barely keep up. Especially in the last few days of my stay-cation, the days are a blur. Ridiculous. What am I living for? No, I am not suicidal. I've just been wondering in awe what the purpose of life is when I don't remember anything right anyway, and all my dreams I have seem to be real. Sigh. It's like that quote I read somewhere about how when you get older you forget everything and you become confused with reality, and then the only things you start to remember are the ones that never really happened.

Am I even alive? Or awake, right now? I function on no sleep, my stomach doesn't like north american food and everything seems... oddly on pause. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my Life. Wasn't that the purpose of my stay-cation? To figure out what I want to do with my Life? I did... however figure out my dream job. I had myself type it out, print it and mount it on my fridge so I could force myself to read it everyday. I'll probably forget it's there. Discarded once used.

Anyway, what is the use of figuring out anything anyway? The weather can't even figure out if it wants to rain or snow. I'll wait for the weather to decide.