Of no real meaning...

These symbols... words that you read on this screen right now, have no real moral to it. I'm just pouring out my thoughts and whoever chooses to read this right now has to bear it. This past weekend was the full moon. Sunday, October 4th to be exact. Some people may wonder what that has to do with anything, but for me, the moon really has a powerful effect on me. My body follows it's cycles monthly. I can tell you exactly when nature's worst time for females is upon me based on the monthly moon cycle. When I see the moon it has a calming effect on me. I feel peaceful. I could recall many moments when I have stared up at the bright, white circle in the sky and felt truly.. in awe. Any person that was me at that moment would have felt like no thing in the world was more beautiful and no moment except that one was perfect.

I just finished cooking dinner for friends. It was delicious. And I need friends in my life that love to eat in order for me to get that pleasure of cooking such a real meal. I can't cook like that for just myself.. it just seems like such a pity for one single soul to consume it and not share it with others.
These friends will be married soon. Well, on paper... since practically they are, by definition... married.

Part of me wonders if I could ever settle down and be with that one person that will be my best friend until I die. You know? That I would go grocery shopping with, cook dinners with, travel around with, create art with, talk deeply about everything with, and wake up and fall asleep next to. I love all these things that I write here... but no one has enticed me enough to follow through. No one has known me long enough for me to really care if it happens... and part of me just doesn't feel it enough with anyone to want to put in the time and effort. Because seriously, if I will commit, then that person sure as hell better know what it's like to be a friend first. A friend first, a lover second.
I do have a best guy friend. I've known for almost 10 years. I'm still getting to know him, and he's one of the best and most real friends I know and I will ever have. After 10 years of course I'm still getting to know him, he's always changing. And so am I. I'm still getting to know who I am.

I'm happy with this person that I call my "Self". I'm happy with who she's becoming, who she wants to become. Who she is when she is alone in this room typing away, and who she is when she is surrounded by precious humans. I love who she is when she is just doing what makes her happiest. And I've become more loving of who she is when she is sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely. After 24 years of getting to know her... she is definitely gaining strength and becoming... more... real.

Maybe that's what it's about. What attracts me... people who are real. Things that are real. Of real importance... that have depth. That are real enough to touch me deeply. That are real enough to have their own answers. That are real enough just to be.