The first week of 2011

I sit here listening to CKCU: Midnight Jamz on my computer as I type this. I've just finished eating dinner and enjoyed a very nice afternoon with a good friend. We talked about life and our grandmothers. It was very moving to hear about his grandmother, who bless her soul passed away this August. I can relate to his love for her because of the love I have for mine. I decided to write my grandmothers memoirs as a way of becoming close to her and getting to know her more, while I have the opportunity to.

While I was scrubbing dishes I thought to myself, these are the moments that I need in my life. The stories and memories of people who have been loved, who are loved, who inspire others and move their hearts. These stories of humanity and true compassion are the ones that I need most, especially at a hectic time in my life where I have literally put aside everything I ever was in order to pursue what I want most from life.

And although I am never certain, I know my heart will tell me so and I will be guided towards the right direction should I ever stray from my path. I have many moments of doubt where I wonder what is this I work towards. is it all futile? Is there a point? I wonder if I'm really a good person or if I pretend to be. I wonder do I really care about what I think I care about? Or have I managed to lie to myself the way that I have lied to myself while I was in previously unhealthy relationships.

But even when I don't want to or I don't know how, I trust myself to trust myself. I believe in myself to know that I will know the difference. I trust that I will do what is best for me and what is right. Even if no one understands or if I don't understand exactly why I do what I do. And I guess that is all I really can do.

So Happy New Year, everyone! Best of luck with everything you pursue and may whatever you do bring you all the happiness you could want.