In the last 4 days..

I have...

...taken a boat to another island
...napped by the ocean
...felt the warm air kiss my face
...soaked my hair in blue-green water
...eaten marvelous food and drank tons of banana and mango shakes
...watched the sun set, watching red roses for valentines day being set up for dinner
...gathered in a circle with new friends in the sand watching the stars and laughing and drinking
...heard and saw fireworks
...gazed out the window watching the world of palm trees, green rice fields and tiki houses role by
...rang a bell on top of coral chocolate hills and made a wish
...toured across the laboc river on a floating restaurant listening to live guitar
...met the captain of a large ship and was asked to be his valentine
...spent hours in wardrobe for a film set
...went shopping for furniture for new offices at work 
...bought make-up for wardrobe and the film set
...meetings and meetings 
...and creating a plan to continuously help a local orphanage


Life can change so fast, but like the free bird, the best of us flow with the wind.
...
 

A page from the diary

I can tell you this in confidence because even if I were to share it with the world I wouldn't care.
Why care? Why take yourself so seriously when you don't even know who you are.
Do you know who you are? 
We are stars and I believe this because I saw it. 
I saw my friend suddenly become lit so brightly that I could almost not bear to watch.
But I kept my eyes open and the light became bearable enough for me to stay where I was and be in awe of such light. The result of her beauty was mind numbing and her brilliance even numbed me to silence. It was perfect to be inspired at such an uninspiring time.
When I walk around and see everyone the same as each other like lemmings,
doing only what the other in front does, so, to fit in. 
And I scream so loud on the inside. 
I am ripping up papers and smashing computers in my mind with a large iron crowbar.
I laugh at the sound of glass breaking, shattering all over the ground in tiny, tiny pieces.
And I wait patiently as these images fade
so that I can continue on with my smile to the world
And remind myself that they know not what they do. 
They are barely awake.
And their sleepiness can wear off on me...
So much that I must break away and take a breath 
and a moment to step back.
Far away.
And recollect myself so that I feel normal again.
Even if my normal may be crazy to others,
I do not care.
At least I can rejoin the world with peace and love in my heart.

Dear Mommy

I am sorry that we can not be together like you all want us to be.
It breaks my heart to see you cry. It breaks my heart to see everyone cry.
In the past couple of days I have seen more tears fall than I could have expected.
And so that is how it is. The lost souls. 
All trying to find  happiness. 
Dearest mommy, I just wanted to come home to see everyone smile.
I wanted to know just who I was and where I came.
And I see struggles. Everyone battling their inner selves.
Everyone battling each other. 
Where are we when we need each other? When will we stop running?
I am torn in between the beauty of this world.. and the ugliness that it tries to hide.
All at the same time. There is no paradise. It is all an illusion, mother.
It is all just bullshit lies. But I don't care. 
I will be blissfully ignorant until I break.
Until I cave into my insides and break down. And cry along with the rest of  you.
So that our tears make oceans together. And even if we are drowning...
At least it will be as one. 

Writing out my heart

It bleeds for you.
When I see you spending this money you don't even have on jewelry.
On jewelry you hope to sell in order to make more money.
My heart is drowning knowing that you dig your own grave.
And you just don't give a fuck.
About anyone. Not even your own loved ones. Not even your kids.
What are you doing in this life?
Who is it that you are trying to live it for?
Your illusory self?
Lost in the delusion that money is everything.. thinking, believing, feeling that without it you are nothing?
But you put on this mask and cast your own role as the lady with riches and nothing to show.
Nothing to show for it. Just empty walls. And colourless shoes collecting dust.
And big eyes looking up at you, wondering where are you going Mommy?
When will you come home?

For you, my Life

The wind rustling through the leaves of the palm trees. 
Life never seemed so easy as the breeze passes through me. 
I can see the sea and I smell relief even when there is still so much grief for my family. 
But these days go by and I see no reason why I can't smile. 
This high is incredible even when I can sink so low, even when I wonder where does this road go...


And I stand up on the balcony thinking this is where Life has me, peaceful serenity 
Regardless of when I feel morose, I still grow. I still grow. 
I am building my own foundation, listening to the sensations in my body and my mind.
Ah, so this is what it is to learn all the time.
The nights stir up a restlessness although quiet on the streets, I can still hear the beats. 
I can still hear the cocks crow. I can still see the lights glow. 
Oh baby, this place has me quite mesmerized.
And I stare at the sun sinking low, knowing on the other side of the world the sun rises high.
I see the colours fill the sky above and I know the best part about it is
I'm with people I love.