If I die...

Please celebrate my life like they do for IZ at 2:45 in this song.
I've always wanted to be cremated and poured into the ocean.
Let no one be sad.

it started a bad morning

THIS IS A STICKER I DREW FOR A FRIEND I MET IN PHI PHI ISLAND

"Sunsets, oceans and mountains hold memories"

It started a bad morning.

I woke up with a nose bleed.

And then I had to trip my way to the toilet

and afterwards I cried hysterically for 10 minutes.

It was a bad morning, but let me tell you that I needed a damn good cry.

I was feeling bad. 

Not only did I just want to be better, but I wanted to be at home.

My real home. My home, home. Canada. 

Where there are no mosquitos that will give you Dengue Fever...

ha. At least not yet, thank goodness. 

So, after I had a good cry I passed out for the rest of the morning.

And then I spent the rest of the day with the shades open

listening to all my favourite old songs, like Somewhere Over the Rainbow by IZ

and Hyperballad by Bjork.

I cried again sometime before dinner, but I'm feeling better now.

In fact, I'm definitely happier. 

Everyone needs a good cry. It's been a while since I've cried.

I deserved it today. 

And now, I'm going to eat breakfast for dinner.

YUM. 

:D

I am just a small drop in this ocean, but I am still precious.

Oh how we humans take so much for granted.

After 3 days of not eating and seeing nurses, doctors and the back of my eyelids

I was so happy to be away from airports and strangers and in the comfort of my bed.

And finally I could eat! A piece of barbecued chicken has never tasted so amazing.

The leaves and the grass have never looked so green. 

Everything smells so strong... not necessarily a good thing for bad smells or strong scents.

I can feel my heart beating, My dreams are vivid. I dream of people I haven't seen in years.

Is this what happens when you think you're going to die?

But I am alive! 

Even how weak I feel. Even though I can barely stand up in the shower..

Or hold myself up or turn without feeling dizzy and nauseous...

I can still breath! I am here! Thank goodness!

I am so lucky!

I need to hug so many people!

I said to myself.. better me that got Dengue Fever 

than someone who may not have been strong enough.

It is certainly life changing.

I have had many, many strangers help me on this trip

and so I am lucky to have been helped all the way through to make sure that I got home safe.

My angels were watching. 

They always are. 

Thank you. 

Thank you.

Thank you.

On Phi Phi Island
While eating at the only Indian restaurant

Again on Phi Phi Island
In the dorm room

fun in the sun

I suppose it's Day 4 or 5? in Thailand... days blend in together when there is no real sense of time. I even forgot what day of the week it was. The other day was cloudy but I spent the later part of the morning sitting on the chair outside and reading a book. I witnessed a couple fighting as they went up the stairs in front of my room. I mean, they were fighting, like grappling. A physical fight.. no punches thrown, but all I could think to myself, was jeez, it's Thailand, it's beautiful, what is there to fight about? I went and lay on the beach with my friend around 4p.m., while he could get away from work. Let me stop to mention that mosquitoes are swarming me right now. I'll type quick. Anyway, after laying there in the peacefulness of ocean waves and breezes, we went and shared the most amazing chicken green curry dish at this little alley restaurant called Papaya. It was just the right kind of spicy and the vegetables were so fresh. Afterwards I met up with my Canadian friends and we hung out and talked... I really can't tell you much after that.

Yesterday morning I woke up a bit earlier. We went back to that beach and it was much sunnier. The ocean seemed bluer and greener. Normally I do my best to avoid the sun, but this time I allowed myself to soak in it fully for probably 2 hours, and then I swam in the ocean. It was sooo refreshing and by the end of it I actually got a tan. At some point in our relaxing beach time, we got invaded by Chinese people with shirts that read 'I love Emerson'. There were like 6 boatloads that pulled up right where we were swimming and for about 10 minutes there was a constant out pour of people. Very loud people. Sigh. Time to end the peace and move on to breakfast.

For some reason I actually don't eat much in Thailand. I don't get as hungry. I went from eating like 15 times a day to 2. I feel so much healthier though. It's odd. I eat the most amazing foods though, one favourite being these coconut donuts, the pad thai, this chicken avocado salad, thai lettuce wraps, veggie springrolls and of course the chicken green curry. Anyway, I ended up hanging out in the room for a bit before I decided to go meet my Canadian friends on the other side, where the busy beach is. It turned from amiable chatter, to 3 buckets of booze later... literally buckets filled with Singha, Red Bull and Coke Zero. We were rolling in the ocean having an impromptu photo shoot as the sun was setting. I think we got loads of amazing photos and we laughed our heads off, piling sand on top of each other until the darkness took over. I returned to my room after to take a shower before heading back to the Banana Bar for dinner.

For dinner we were served two shots before our food because Ghana scored and then Australia scored. I'm sure you know the World Cup is happening right now. I think we were all exhausted from the sun and the buckets, that after eating we pretty much moved like snails up and down a bass-thumping beach and then we called it a night.

Today... Today was rainy and cloudy. I met the Canadians again, their last day and we had breakfast by the beach and did a bit of shopping. I think today was more of a lazy Sunday and since neither of us slept very well we all headed back to our rooms. I don't know about them, but my siesta turned into a 5 hour sleep.

I just woke up and I'm back at the Banana Bar blogging now. I think I'll be heading to Phuket town tomorrow or the next day to visit my friends mom whom I have never met. It should be fun and interesting.. but for now I think I better get back to the human world.

It's beautiful when it rains.

My second day in Thailand has been blissful. I packed in early last night because after 40 hours of no sleep, I was really beat. Anyway, it was around 10p.m. at night when I rested my head on the pillow and proceeded to get eaten alive my mosquitoes until I finally passed out. At around 2a.m. I was awaken by drunken boys on both sides of my room. To my left was a loud bunch of burping, wall-thumping individuals and to my right were a bunch of loud, Eminem-rapping boys. It's been a long time since I heard that much Eminem.
Anyway, as I lay awake wondering if I should make it back to Banana Bar to play a game of drunken Asshole with some new Canadians I had met earlier, the rain started to pour down. Hard.
In fact, so hard that I had to open the door of my room to peer outside, just to make sure everything was still in tact. Oh, but it was so lovely. Did I tell you how much I actually love the sound of rain pouring outside? And how much I love sleeping when it's raining. It rained all through the night and all through the next day, until about 2p.m., which I am proud to say is when I slept in until. Heaven.
Afterwards, my friend and I went to the villa and grabbed coconut donuts, which are SO delicious. It's literally pure coconuts, shaved and packed into this little round shaped metal thing, and then fried just enough so the outsides get crunchy. MMMMMMM. I want more.
Then, we went to this little tiny hut where they make the most amazing Pad Thai, I have ever in my life tasted. So fresh, so delicious and so addictive. It was only 70Baht for a plate.
Oh.. I have to interject here and just say that last night before passing out, I walked along the villa and over by the waters edge, where I found the most amazing store I have ever found. The man that worked there was Nepalese and he was so sweet. I bought 4 shirts for my friends. I decided if I'm going to buy anything here, it has to be for other people. And since I bought 4 new items, I have to leave 4 items behind. This is how I will maintain room in my luggage and keep myself from buying too many things. It's like a give and take situation that I've created for myself. I can't buy something, without giving something back.
Anyway... I then went to the beach and drew a picture for the manager of Banana Bar, because last night he was kind enough to give me a few Vodka Cranberries, and I decided that since I have no money, that the best way to thank people who give me things are with a picture. This is how I repayed the aiport service guy who I nearly smacked for getting too close.
Yes, so I drew a picture and I watched the sunset and the tide go out.
I felt the breeze hit my face. I sat there and I thought of how beautiful this place was, and how it was so much like a dream, it was unbelievable. Mountains on either side of me, meeting with the sky and a blue-green ocean directly ahead, reflecting the sun as it sank beneath the pastel coloured clouds. Heaven really is on Earth.
The Canadians were there too and this time I had my sketchbook and the pretty redhead girl asked if she could take a look at it. This particular sketchbook has more mindless writings than pictures, and I was a little shy at first, but afterwards I shared it with her. She thanked me and told me that after she was done, she felt inspired to pick up her sketchbook back home again, since she hadn't done so in years.
I told her yes, she should.
I also have a 9 blank stickers that I was going to colour and draw pictures on and I asked her if she would like to draw something on one of them. I was going to give them out to some of the children here.
I am now back at Banana Bar, blogging again, but I am about to get whisked away by the Canadians to grab a bucket of beer at some one of the stalls and chill.
I really don't plan to drink.. but.. when in Thailand.
And, relationships are more important in the long run.

Time portals

I have been awake for almost 40 hrs. straight and yes I feel weird. Currently I am blogging at the restaurant my friend works at, in Thailand. I'm on this little island called Phi Phi Island. My trip has been a journey so far, let me tell you. It started yesterday at 8:30a.m. when I got up, ate breakfast and finished packing the rest of my items... God knows if I'll make the 7kg limit on Cebu pacific and AirAsia. There is an orange cat sitting on the bar next to me. Anyway, I got in the cab and made it to the airport to catch my first flight. The first flight was easy. Cebu to Manila. A nice lady who recognized me from Bigfoot invited me to stay at her place so I didn't have to wait for 7 hours in the airport. I just had to pause a minute here, as I was trying to blog on my iPhone, which is really quite hard and takes a longer time to write just a mere sentence. Now, there are two gentlemen from... England? drinking next to me now. The cat is gone and I'm sure I look strange sitting at a bar using a MacBook.
Anyway,  where was I? Ok, so this lady invited me to stay at her place, but after a bit of pulling from both sides of myself, I decided against it. I'm actually kind of strange when it comes to airports. They comfort me and I enjoy my time in them. They allow you to think and come up with new ideas and just be alone in a world where it's very hard to be. So I was at Manila at 1:30p.m., waiting for my flight at 8:55p.m. I wrote, I drew, I slept. I then purchased 3 books. I'm telling you, I have this horrible habit of not shopping for long periods of time, that when I do, I really shop. Compulsively.. I think. Anyway, I bought one book on how to think rich, and two books written by an author named Mitch Albom. Before yesterday I never even knew him. But 8 hours later and two of his books finished, I decided those two novels were one of the best I've ever read. I encourage you to read them. I will also be honest in the fact that I cried. I cried out loud on a plane where almost everyone was sleeping.
So... back track to brainstorming ideas for my business, eating blueberry cheesecake and finding myself in Kuala Lumpur at 2a.m. waiting for my 7:25a.m. flight. I'm telling you between those two flights, I found myself a changed person. Or maybe it was my lack of sleep. Whatever the case, I was feeling great and I decided what my purpose was from that moment on. Do you know? It's art-related. I mean, I made more room for my art than I did for my clothes. I even had it in my mind that if I was over the 7kg limit, I would ditch all my clothes and keep everything else. For someone with only 1 bag for 2 weeks, I still felt like I had brought too much.
Alright. I've arrived in Phuket at 7:45a.m. The flight was not long from Kuala. Oh, I will add that in Kuala I almost ate a mold covered quiche. I was actually upset, since I really wanted quiche, but they entertained me with a delicious chicken and cheese panini to make up for it.
Alright, so I'm in Phuket. WOW. This place just flying in was amazing. I felt like I was flying over some majestical islands to a whole new world. In reality I was. Anything created on this planet is majestical and this place I was flying to was most DEFINITELY a whole new world. Indeed. Except boys will be boys everywhere I go. Short story, is I spent most of my morning fighting off hugs and kisses from a man who barely understood a word of English and at most, could say... Mai. I love you. I like Mai.
Sigh... it's all very flattering and very, very sweet. I guess Love knows no boundaries. In any case, I managed to stop him from taking the ferry boat to Phi Phi Island with me, and I managed to stop him from bringing me first to his house and second to a rent a room.. I suppose there are sacrifices for when someone decides to give you a free ride. Yes.. the ride will be turbulent and in the end it is almost always, never free. The whole time I was thinking, Dear Lord, my angels better be protecting me.. and they did. Thankfully. So now I'm on this boat... it's floating across blue green waters, slicing through crystal waters smoothly, as passengers sun-tan and sleep on the sun deck and others snooze peacefully inside the air-conditioned boat. We were all destined to end up on the same island.
As I look around now, I can feel how peaceful this island is. It's strange.. it's full of people from all over the world, all wandering around, all unsure of when they are leaving, or how long they will be staying. I know how long I will be staying. They are all so beautiful. I know when I will be leaving. I have a flight from Bangkok on the 25th at 1:30p.m. It takes 14 hours to get there from here. So, technically in my mind, it is like knowing when you are going to die. You better make the most out of your time.
So. I will meet people. I will relish in the kindness brought from my dear friend John, and I will do my best to repay him as best as I can. Although, sincere generosity is very, very hard to repay. I think the best part I love about traveling is that I always have proof that people are kind. I am always shown gratitude, smiles, warmth and kindness, wherever I go. But it is because I ask Life of that and I expect my own self to give the same. How can I live any other way?
I have already made friends. I have already made a difference in other peoples lives and I've only been here less that 12 hours. But for whatever reason, for that brief moment, we connected. And they, oh yes, they have made the whole world of a difference in mine. I remember almost everyone I meet when I travel, because Life stuck them there for a reason. I was supposed to meet them.
I travel for the sake of the happiness I feel in knowing that there is good in the world. That I, as a simple human being, can still feel everything that is human about us. That no matter what language barriers there are or where we have come from.. we are all the same. We are all just looking for human experiences in a world that strives to make us forget who we are.. I love having the day to myself, not knowing the hours and only doing what can make me happy. I would like to take this opportunity to say, "Thank you Life. For everything and for everyone."
I will now get off this thing... and be human again.

do-wop that thing

This is about that time when I would say something inspirational, but currently I have nothing because I am feeling the brunt of my demon and all I would like to do is beat it's little head in. So, instead of doing that I will focus on the main things I will bring on my trip around Thailand and Taipeii. Pen. Marker. Stickers. Sketchbook. Doodle-book. Things to make jewelry with.
Perhaps a book. Although I may just end up writing my own. 
Yes. Did you know that if you're feeling your demon that you should just put your mouth into a smile? I'm serious. It makes you feel happy, even when you aren't. 
It's the best thing ever. You know I really need the ridiculousness of my mind to balance my sane self out. I can't be so serious all the time. Jeez. 
Today I ate a wonderful meal and I wrote a song. That is all. Good-night. 

mirror images

Did you know when you look into the mirror you are just looking at the backwards version of yourself?
You aren't really looking at the true you, because it is just a reflection of you. It is not really how everyone else views you. I've been thinking a lot about that lately and I've decided I'm going to stop being backwards. I have to look at myself straight on and really, really ask myself what is it that I desire most. What are my ambitions? What are my goals? What are my passions? I need to do this often because society has this way of making me look at myself backwards. It's like society is this mirror and it tells me what I look like, but it's not really true. It's just showing me the backwards version of myself. I will look into the mirror and tell it, NO! Show me who I really am! Show me exactly what I look like! This year I promise I will cast all my fears, break that mirror and shine, shine, shine.

It's traveling time

 The Beach

3 piece acrylic on canvas

 So I decided that before I leave the beautiful eastern world known as Asia, I have to explore it.
I will be heading from the islands of the Philippines to Kuala Lumpur, after which I will land in Phuket, Thailand. From there I will take a ferry to Phi Phi Island, where I will meet a good friend, soak up the ocean and eat copious amounts of yummy thai food. I also promised one of my girl friends I will go see her mother. Where she will proceed to feed me more. And all the while I am there the World Cup will be happening, so I'm sure there will be tons of screaming, shouting, happy fans drinking their faces into the ground.
After Phi Phi Island I will bus up to Bangkok, but I will be sure to avoid the Red Shirts. I like to stay away drama and negative energy. From Bangkok I will fly to Taipeii to visit another friend there. I am hoping I go somewhere up in the mountains and make myself feel very, very small. Like I made myself feel when I went to the Grand Canyon. I often like to remind myself that I'm a mere speck of sand because then I don't worry so much about everything in Life. After Taipeii, I will come back to the Philippines and hug my family.
My dear, dear family who accepted me long before I could accept myself.
And then after that... I will just continue to create art until I have to say, so long Philippines, but I must return to my other home now.

Let me tell you about another one..

I woke up today at 5a.m. and fell back asleep. I proceeded to have a dream.


I dreamed that I was back in my old neighbourhood in Ottawa. I was dreaming about airplanes.
A friend of mine was trying to catch a plane to Barcelona but it was during work hours but the truth was he didn't want to return to work, so we wrote up a letter that we would give once he left the country. 
There were airplanes flying overhead and we flew to the airport. I saw him off. 
I also think I'm missing something here. 
Anyway, I returned to my home. The one that I moved out into, a friend of the family. She was waiting for me in her home. I climbed the stairs to get to the top floor and she was there. She said, "I don't want this house anymore, do you want it?" And of course I said yes, so she left me there in the house, with an elderly woman who was cleaning the mirrors. I loved the house I was in. It obviously was not the exact same as I knew it in real life, but this house was really beautiful. 


And that for the most part was my dream. Although, I do know I'm missing something that happened in it that I can vaguely recollect. I just wanted to share this one with you, but now I'm going to go back to drinking water, eating chips and singing songs.

Let me tell you about my dream..

Let me tell you about the dream I just had. It's 5p.m. and I've just woken up from a dream.

I'll tell you that it is vague now, but I'll do my best to recollect. 

There were trains. There was new concrete and all the stations were newly built.

There were security guards, making sure no one was walking alongside the train tracks.

But that's exactly what I was doing. I was walking with a man, a friend... 

He was tall with dark hair and he made me laugh a lot. We were walking side by side and he carried a guitar. I would sing and I would sing loud. People would hear it, but they didn't know where it was coming from. I can't remember where we were coming from, or where we were going, but we walked along the trains. Lots of them would pass. Sometimes, we would jump the back of them as they left the stations.

The stations were often under a tunnel. As if there were trains that would pass overhead as well.

I always felt like we had to hide. We had to hide from the people that would pass on the normal path, and we had to hide from the trains, the drivers and the security guards. 

But it felt strange. I feel like I'm missing an important detail here... anyway, it felt strange because well... I felt like I would fall asleep in my dream, with my friend. Or I would find him sleeping and I would wake him up. I feel like we kept going by the same stations and walking in circles. I would wake up even when I was walking. And it would seem like a glitch in my memory, as though it skipped a bit and I would wake up and continue walking. I know I was happy in my dream. I don't know if I dreamed of anything while I was sleeping in my dream. I wonder why that happened.

And that is it. That was most of my dream. Although I do feel like I'm missing something,,

I'll tell you that I felt happy. Even if I was getting caught by security guards and walking in circles, and even if I didn't know where I was going. I was singing and I was singing happy songs and laughing with my friend. So, I was happy.

Isn't that what's important in life anyway?