Sinulog with My Family

In the last 4 days..

I have...

...taken a boat to another island
...napped by the ocean
...felt the warm air kiss my face
...soaked my hair in blue-green water
...eaten marvelous food and drank tons of banana and mango shakes
...watched the sun set, watching red roses for valentines day being set up for dinner
...gathered in a circle with new friends in the sand watching the stars and laughing and drinking
...heard and saw fireworks
...gazed out the window watching the world of palm trees, green rice fields and tiki houses role by
...rang a bell on top of coral chocolate hills and made a wish
...toured across the laboc river on a floating restaurant listening to live guitar
...met the captain of a large ship and was asked to be his valentine
...spent hours in wardrobe for a film set
...went shopping for furniture for new offices at work 
...bought make-up for wardrobe and the film set
...meetings and meetings 
...and creating a plan to continuously help a local orphanage


Life can change so fast, but like the free bird, the best of us flow with the wind.
...
 

A page from the diary

I can tell you this in confidence because even if I were to share it with the world I wouldn't care.
Why care? Why take yourself so seriously when you don't even know who you are.
Do you know who you are? 
We are stars and I believe this because I saw it. 
I saw my friend suddenly become lit so brightly that I could almost not bear to watch.
But I kept my eyes open and the light became bearable enough for me to stay where I was and be in awe of such light. The result of her beauty was mind numbing and her brilliance even numbed me to silence. It was perfect to be inspired at such an uninspiring time.
When I walk around and see everyone the same as each other like lemmings,
doing only what the other in front does, so, to fit in. 
And I scream so loud on the inside. 
I am ripping up papers and smashing computers in my mind with a large iron crowbar.
I laugh at the sound of glass breaking, shattering all over the ground in tiny, tiny pieces.
And I wait patiently as these images fade
so that I can continue on with my smile to the world
And remind myself that they know not what they do. 
They are barely awake.
And their sleepiness can wear off on me...
So much that I must break away and take a breath 
and a moment to step back.
Far away.
And recollect myself so that I feel normal again.
Even if my normal may be crazy to others,
I do not care.
At least I can rejoin the world with peace and love in my heart.

Dear Mommy

I am sorry that we can not be together like you all want us to be.
It breaks my heart to see you cry. It breaks my heart to see everyone cry.
In the past couple of days I have seen more tears fall than I could have expected.
And so that is how it is. The lost souls. 
All trying to find  happiness. 
Dearest mommy, I just wanted to come home to see everyone smile.
I wanted to know just who I was and where I came.
And I see struggles. Everyone battling their inner selves.
Everyone battling each other. 
Where are we when we need each other? When will we stop running?
I am torn in between the beauty of this world.. and the ugliness that it tries to hide.
All at the same time. There is no paradise. It is all an illusion, mother.
It is all just bullshit lies. But I don't care. 
I will be blissfully ignorant until I break.
Until I cave into my insides and break down. And cry along with the rest of  you.
So that our tears make oceans together. And even if we are drowning...
At least it will be as one. 

Writing out my heart

It bleeds for you.
When I see you spending this money you don't even have on jewelry.
On jewelry you hope to sell in order to make more money.
My heart is drowning knowing that you dig your own grave.
And you just don't give a fuck.
About anyone. Not even your own loved ones. Not even your kids.
What are you doing in this life?
Who is it that you are trying to live it for?
Your illusory self?
Lost in the delusion that money is everything.. thinking, believing, feeling that without it you are nothing?
But you put on this mask and cast your own role as the lady with riches and nothing to show.
Nothing to show for it. Just empty walls. And colourless shoes collecting dust.
And big eyes looking up at you, wondering where are you going Mommy?
When will you come home?

For you, my Life

The wind rustling through the leaves of the palm trees. 
Life never seemed so easy as the breeze passes through me. 
I can see the sea and I smell relief even when there is still so much grief for my family. 
But these days go by and I see no reason why I can't smile. 
This high is incredible even when I can sink so low, even when I wonder where does this road go...


And I stand up on the balcony thinking this is where Life has me, peaceful serenity 
Regardless of when I feel morose, I still grow. I still grow. 
I am building my own foundation, listening to the sensations in my body and my mind.
Ah, so this is what it is to learn all the time.
The nights stir up a restlessness although quiet on the streets, I can still hear the beats. 
I can still hear the cocks crow. I can still see the lights glow. 
Oh baby, this place has me quite mesmerized.
And I stare at the sun sinking low, knowing on the other side of the world the sun rises high.
I see the colours fill the sky above and I know the best part about it is
I'm with people I love.

For the sake of beauty...

They hold their breath underwater daily to see if they can reach three minutes. An image is created for the sake of exposure, in the hopes that one day they will become something. Ears are filled and plugged, eyes are blood shot and red, erotic dances are done, costumes are fitted, all for the sake of beauty. For the sake of money. For the sake of fun. Experience. Memories. For the sake of keeping one man happy. Is it worth it for them?
Do they drive down the streets looking in wonder in the life that is before them? Do they even really see? The people that cross the streets, beg for money, carry laundry on their heads, work hard from sunrise to way past sundown and then park their motorbikes quietly on the edge of the roads and rest their heads to await another day.
Do they search tirelessly for beautiful beaches, hoping, expecting this island to be nothing but paradise, but have they even bothered to read into the country deeper? Into the people? Do they realize all of these beach fronts are owned by foreigners before them? Beaches are not free here.
There is always a cost to pay for paradise.
Will they enrich their minds and learn another way of living? Or, will it be a constant battle inside, wishing, thinking, wanting it to be another way. Will they want to be in another place? And will they realize that when they leave... they will want to be back in the place they so very much wanted to leave?
It is like that.. to travel the world like a lonesome pirate, sailing to and fro, stealing treasure in the form of memories every place they go. 

A little update..

So my time in the Philippines so far has been quite lovely. I can already see the time flying by... and it hasn't even passed really. I have been in the Philippines one month now and so far I have managed to hang out with my family, paint with the pamungkins, film a documentary on me visiting my family, meet awesome people, go scuba diving and get certified, learn how to ride a motorbike and officially use it, do a photo shoot with an awesome chick, do voice over work and still writing up proposals for productions. My life is amazing.. even though there are some ups and downs. I just have to keep looking ahead and manage to be strong. All the time. Even around creepy people. I really am truly so lucky to have family here that love me enough to let me just... fit in. Well, as best as I CAN fit in.. because I am different, but not TOO different and not different in a bad way... This is what life gave me and since I accept responsibility for my life, then I better make the most of it.