all these things we can never know, we don't need to

There are days where I will run from it all and try to escape the downfall of my heart. I am a silly, silly girl who is afraid to give 100% to just one thing. Just one person, even her own self. I forget to have faith in the universe that I am fine and that I am in the right direction. I get clouded by doubts and petty thoughts that ends up whirling me into a rabbit hole while the dirt falls on top of me. I claw at my own skin letting my fingernails fill with dead skin particles. I know that even though it is dead, it is still me. Perhaps I did die a long time ago and I will forever be searching for my body. Or perhaps my body is forever searching for it's soul. The truth is maybe I like it this way. Maybe I like my own bitterness because without it I wouldn't know happiness. I am unlike everyone, and everyone is unlike everyone else. Except, I know that I am also like everyone and everyone is also like everyone else. I like being around my family, because I speak less but I dislike it because I am unable to communicate in ways that I truly want to. The beauty of art is that I can communicate and it will be perceived in many ways and neither one of them will be wrong. If only words were like that. If only words were easier, there would be less pain. I cause my own pain. I also cause my own joy. I question myself because there is no one to question me. I doubt myself because there are many that judge me. Silently. And I accept because I need it. I need all the negativity in the world so I can pick it all apart and know more. I know once I know more, I will not need to know any more. I will not need. Or want. And it could be a lifelong process that when I'm 65, I will be purely content with myself and my life instead of just saying I am. But I say that I am because it's good practice to be in the mind frame you wish to be in, always. I am happy. I am content. I am just going with the flow. I am just being.

je suis heureuse

 

Freedom to dance. Freedom to sing. Freedom to do my own thing. I know my own potential, but yet I still do not trust that I can fly. I know what I don't want, even if I don't always know why. Funny how in a blink of an eye I can time travel. I look back and think, wow, was that ever a ride. These past four months of interning was incredible. I have the option to return if I want. Can I do it? Would I? There are yeses and there are nos. Truth be told I can't answer it right now. I am trying to relax at the moment. I have been sleeping all day and eating pineapple. I can hear the birds out the window and I can see the sun is about to set. I am content right now. I don't need to worry about the future or what I want. I just know that I will know when I get there. I accept the twists and turns and the uncertainty. I like the challenge it gives my mind. Even if it drives me insane sometimes. Today, today is a beautiful day. Just like the day before and the day before and the day before. I think I need to sit on the beach. Or under a waterfall. Perhaps I should paint. Or, I should just go back and lie down and contemplate away.Yeah. I like that. I will also drink Sprite.

Luxury in comparison

It is a wide world and not just out there, in my mind. The possibilities are endless to the point where I can overwhelm myself. How silly it is, isn't it? That I can overwhelm myself with my own options and that I almost take it for granted. I have been fortunate enough to be given everything in the world to choose from. I really do. My life is a luxury. Being able to breathe is a luxury. Being able to know the difference between polluted air and fresh air, AND experiencing both, is a luxury. I combine both worlds into one just by crossing one ocean. I experience all sorts of love just by crossing one ocean. I am able to cross one ocean in 30 hours and experience all sorts of emotions in one day. Experience is a luxury and I am fortunate to get it.
So, why does my little mind like to complicate things for me? Why does my little mind think everything is so overwhelming? Why doesn't my little mind just shut the hell up??
Hm. Good for me though. I am living the life of luxury because life gives me choices, and because in comparison to the local life in the Philippines I am living in luxury. And I can't even concentrate on what I am writing because I am surrounded by computers, technology and conversations that extend all the way across the world. So much stuff going on. Like in my little world-wide mind. If this is all luxury, I can sure use some time away. I can sure use some quiet time alone.

save me

Love is the greatest gift of all, 

and though I am worlds apart 

I can still feel it being sent across the ocean, 

traveling through the air, 

mixing in with the rain, 

filtering through the ground, 

releasing back into the sky 

and pouring straight into my heart for it to be sent back out again.

The truth is it will be what it will be.

The future is bright but ever-changing

And based upon my desires.

But my deepest longings speak for themselves

and are unvoiced.

They need no voice for that is what will be my fate.

My underlying fate, my path and my destination. 

There need be no words.

I have always known what it's meant to me...

I have always know you loved me. 

Can you imagine?

What of those days ahead?
Will it just be a dream... a dream..
Was it all what it could seem
You and me, you and me.

If ever you wanted me, you could have me. 
Though I think independently,
I still feel, I still feel. 
And I know we could make it work
Though this distance is absurd, absurd. 


Reality sinks in.. I know I will miss your face
So close to mine, your heart has it's place
In my hand, in my hand...
But when we depart, will Life understand, understand. 


These melancholy songs, 
The haze around me, the words I sing along
But will it all seem wrong in the end, in the end.
How will it end with you, 
My lover, my best friend.