I feel like I have come down with something, but I have no symptoms other than feeling drudgy, slow... tired. It seems like all I feel like doing is sleeping. Or maybe it's just because of my ridiculous backwards schedule... where I spend most of my evening engrossed in vampire stories and whatever the hell else I've been doing.
People expect me to have answers to their predictable question, "what have you been doing the past few days, how was your weekend?" But no, half of me knows it's just a question of habit, and the other half knows they probably don't really care. So I tell them truthfully, "I have no idea what I've been doing. I'm sure my weekend was wonderful at the time, but honestly, I can't really remember. It feels like one blurry dream." And then they laugh and tell me something stupid like, "Wow, you must have been so drunk, must have been a great weekend if you can't remember." No, you fools, I seriously don't care about what happened yesterday or two days ago. I'm here, right now, with you. Why does it matter? All our memories are just recordings that aren't even recorded properly into our own heads anyway. I feel like snapping at them.
Anyway, it's almost another full moon. Can it really be that time already? One full moon cycle, or month, has passed, again? I can barely keep up. Especially in the last few days of my stay-cation, the days are a blur. Ridiculous. What am I living for? No, I am not suicidal. I've just been wondering in awe what the purpose of life is when I don't remember anything right anyway, and all my dreams I have seem to be real. Sigh. It's like that quote I read somewhere about how when you get older you forget everything and you become confused with reality, and then the only things you start to remember are the ones that never really happened.
Am I even alive? Or awake, right now? I function on no sleep, my stomach doesn't like north american food and everything seems... oddly on pause. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my Life. Wasn't that the purpose of my stay-cation? To figure out what I want to do with my Life? I did... however figure out my dream job. I had myself type it out, print it and mount it on my fridge so I could force myself to read it everyday. I'll probably forget it's there. Discarded once used.
Anyway, what is the use of figuring out anything anyway? The weather can't even figure out if it wants to rain or snow. I'll wait for the weather to decide.
Mailyne - Visual Art.Modeling.Photography.Video.Writing.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Another 5am?
Another 5am. I think I'm going insane. I know I bring this all upon myself, but seriously? Today I woke up at a quarter to 1pm. Is this how it would be if I didn't lead a normal life of human existence? God, I think I'm reading too much Twilight. I read the first novel in oh... if I had to count up the hours, I think it was about 6? 7? I started New Moon at about.. 2:30am. I am halfway through it. It is 4:58am as I type.
It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...
It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.
I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?
It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?
Am I wrong to even want it?
Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.
The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...
Why would I ever miss that?
Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.
Silly adults.
Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.
It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...
It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.
I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?
It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?
Am I wrong to even want it?
Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.
The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...
Why would I ever miss that?
Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.
Silly adults.
Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
5am
I am awake at 5am making gifts!
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Stay-cation
I would like to pat myself on the back for my first day of stay-cation, where I have decided to stay inside my home and selectively choose whom I make contact with and how. I know, I know.. it really could be called dishonest, but seriously, I need my own time. I need some control of my Life right now and this week being my week off, I have decided to give myself the power to decide whatever I feel like and not feel guilty for it.
After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.
I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.
After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.
I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
studying to the dream...
Blah. I am taking a break from the mundane textbook I am reading. I have an exam tomorrow worth $2000 and more. It signifies the completion of my apprenticeship in Hairstyling, allowing me to function as a fully licensed stylist. Meaning I can now own my own hair salon. And I have been reading this textbook looking back at when I was in class and how interesting it used to be for me. Now.. it seems like pointless babble. Jargon I am tired of. It's not that I don't love it.. I do love certain aspects of it. It's just that it's time for me to let it go.
And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.
It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.
But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"
And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.
And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.
It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.
But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"
And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.
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