studying to the dream...

Blah. I am taking a break from the mundane textbook I am reading. I have an exam tomorrow worth $2000 and more. It signifies the completion of my apprenticeship in Hairstyling, allowing me to function as a fully licensed stylist. Meaning I can now own my own hair salon. And I have been reading this textbook looking back at when I was in class and how interesting it used to be for me. Now.. it seems like pointless babble. Jargon I am tired of. It's not that I don't love it.. I do love certain aspects of it. It's just that it's time for me to let it go.

And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.

It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.

But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"

And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.

Of no real meaning...

These symbols... words that you read on this screen right now, have no real moral to it. I'm just pouring out my thoughts and whoever chooses to read this right now has to bear it. This past weekend was the full moon. Sunday, October 4th to be exact. Some people may wonder what that has to do with anything, but for me, the moon really has a powerful effect on me. My body follows it's cycles monthly. I can tell you exactly when nature's worst time for females is upon me based on the monthly moon cycle. When I see the moon it has a calming effect on me. I feel peaceful. I could recall many moments when I have stared up at the bright, white circle in the sky and felt truly.. in awe. Any person that was me at that moment would have felt like no thing in the world was more beautiful and no moment except that one was perfect.

I just finished cooking dinner for friends. It was delicious. And I need friends in my life that love to eat in order for me to get that pleasure of cooking such a real meal. I can't cook like that for just myself.. it just seems like such a pity for one single soul to consume it and not share it with others.
These friends will be married soon. Well, on paper... since practically they are, by definition... married.

Part of me wonders if I could ever settle down and be with that one person that will be my best friend until I die. You know? That I would go grocery shopping with, cook dinners with, travel around with, create art with, talk deeply about everything with, and wake up and fall asleep next to. I love all these things that I write here... but no one has enticed me enough to follow through. No one has known me long enough for me to really care if it happens... and part of me just doesn't feel it enough with anyone to want to put in the time and effort. Because seriously, if I will commit, then that person sure as hell better know what it's like to be a friend first. A friend first, a lover second.
I do have a best guy friend. I've known for almost 10 years. I'm still getting to know him, and he's one of the best and most real friends I know and I will ever have. After 10 years of course I'm still getting to know him, he's always changing. And so am I. I'm still getting to know who I am.

I'm happy with this person that I call my "Self". I'm happy with who she's becoming, who she wants to become. Who she is when she is alone in this room typing away, and who she is when she is surrounded by precious humans. I love who she is when she is just doing what makes her happiest. And I've become more loving of who she is when she is sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely. After 24 years of getting to know her... she is definitely gaining strength and becoming... more... real.

Maybe that's what it's about. What attracts me... people who are real. Things that are real. Of real importance... that have depth. That are real enough to touch me deeply. That are real enough to have their own answers. That are real enough just to be.

Unbelievable...

Unbelievable how the days turn into nights..
Unbelievable how the sun hits the clouds just right
And lights up the sky.
I almost can't find the words to describe this high,
This feeling of light since that night..
I have grown closer and older and this notion of future
Isn't so scary.. there's no hurry or worry...
I am so happy
That
My greatest mentor in Life
Is the one that's always there for me.
Unbelievable how it took this long
To see that I've been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find faces to fulfill me
When really all I needed was to be empty
And the one that could help me
That one that helps me feel strong
Was the one that was right there all along.
Unbelievable.

The past is now behind me.

September 27, 2009 is the day I confronted my past. It was also one of the worst experiences of my life, and I would never wish that upon anyone. It is also one of the best things I could have experienced. I feel a thousand times lighter, everything a little bit clearer and life is just that much more wonderful. If there is anything that you can do to make yourself a better, stronger, kinder person... do it. It will be amazing for the world. And while we may have to revisit those deepest, darkest places from time to time... it will be easier. The way will be lit up with a thousand and one candles and it will never be scary again.

que sera, sera

I have come to terms with the fact that I am uncertain of my direction. I am okay with not knowing, because really... there is nothing I can do about it right now. Right now I can do A, B and C... all the way down the alphabet until I get to Z. Which may take a couple of years anyway. When I think about all of that future stuff it makes me realize how silly it is. Like a friend of mine once said, "you can plan all you want to, but sometimes Life changes your plans for you." I think she said something like that. Regardless, it is true. Such is life. What can we do about it except appreciate everything we have right now. I have everything I could ever want. What makes me think otherwise, is my beautiful and cruel twisted ego, which I am working very hard at trying to shut up. And one more thing, in order for one to move into the future, one must first let go of their past. I will be doing this tomorrow and I will cry my precious little brains out until all of my horrible memories, traumas, failures and cruelties to other beings is no longer locked away. And once they are all out in the open with my bleeding heart soaked in tears, I will take them and burn them. I will thank them for being a part of me once, for making me and shaping me into who I am now, and I will tell them that they are no longer welcome in my head as negativity or depression. If they happen to return begging for me to feel their pain, I will simply smile at them and say, "no thank you.. I have already turned your pain into strength."