hello?

Hello? What's that mind?
I'm sorry I can't hear you...
Oh... you're trying to tell me I'm not good enough..
What else? Oh right, that it's impossible to fulfill my dreams..
OH look! You brought Fear with you. Welcome.
There's more?
Oh... right, right... you're telling me that people think I'm this and that.
I don't care what they think.
Oh, I'm supposed to?
I think that's ridiculous.
You can shut up now.
But Fear,
Fear can come with me...
She actually can help push me in the right direction.
Because I think when I Fear something,
I think that's when I'm at the next step.
If I stopped being scared or nervous or whatever,
then my life is no longer exciting.

What happened in Thailand

This is where the waterfall meets the ocean
Thailand
June 2010

The View of Phi Phi Island
Thailand
June 2010

It's a nice time for a walk
Thailand
June 2010

The Boat On the Beach
Thailand
June 2010

Entering Thailand
The Airplane
June 2010

Freya my model

Let's Skate.

Model: Freya Jones

2010

I Want Out.

Model: Freya Jones

2010

rainy days bring crazy days

So, I could sit here and empty out my mind onto this screen and feel good about it... but then when I do write whatever comes out, I often press the backspace button several times until it's all deleted. Can I do that with my mind? No. It's ridiculous to think so. I watch it now, you know, my mind. I watch what it thinks. I'm getting better at knowing what I'm feeling based on what I'm thinking. It's not easy. Today I had visions of me in an empty room with a mattress on the ground typing away. I thought to myself, could it be possible to be happy with that one empty room and my pens, papers and possibly a computer to click away on. Of course. I saw no one around me, because during the time I was thinking about this I was actually feeling anti-social. I love humans. I love people, I really, really do. But they cause me so much grief sometimes. The peer pressure of everything. Of having to be at certain events. Of having to know and care for everyone and to accept them. Of having to say good-bye and then be sad they are gone. Of being hurt and happy and all these cycles of emotions that people bring to you that you can barely control because of these circumstances surrounding them. I am a sponge. It's hard for me to wring out the excess. I feel a lot. I also can't stand it some days and other days, I can. I don't like the feeling of wanting to hate people, but I do feel it some days. I sometimes just get so disgusted by everyone and their actions and the fakeness I see on their faces.... the way that they hide from their pain and run from their past. I hate it because I see those dark places in me... they aren't so dark anymore, but they are still there. But why, I wonder.. why can't we all just be more real. Why do we waste our money on stupid things like sex, when we have beautiful families, or... or booze when we have plenty of real happiness around us. We're making excuses for our mistakes. We cover them up and bury them until one day they resurface and fuck us up. We lie there thinking, how did it all happen and play it all back. We live life backwards, saying... oh... it's ok, we're young. We're allowed to do stupid things, and fuck everyone like they're just objects, and make all these mistakes even though we aren't actually happy doing any of it. We live in denial of our own happiness thinking we don't deserve it, so we do everything to cause ourselves to suffer. And the thing is, I feel these things.. you know.. suffering, hating people and hating the world and experiencing the exact opposite; loving people and loving the world... and it drives me all crazy you know. Because neither is right or wrong. Everything is the same. Every experience in every country and city and everyone is the same. All sharing the same thing, so my love is really hate and my hate is really love. And I know I am perfectly crazy and disgustingly sane. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Why would I want to have it any other way? It's the human drama and the human emotions. Raw human emotions and a passion for everything awful and good... but I can't trust anything I think at any moment in time because at any moment in time it can change. 

the monthly lows

I can feel when it comes. Lately I start to enjoy it because I know. 

It's not really me, but it is... a little angry part of me that will never fully die. It's the little corner of the well that never fully ever saw the sun. I embrace it now. It gives me a certain strength and a certain confidence. Because I don't care when I'm this way. Perhaps this is what I need to balance.The part of me that was outspoken, with attitude that just didn't even give a fuck. Why should I? Who actually did? All these fake fucks walking around acting like they care. All the stupid half ass conversations we have with our heads so far up in the clouds and up our ass that we don't even listen anyway. So what would it matter? I can feed off the fuel for a while. I know this is not who I am when I feel this way. I know that I can feel this way. I know that I won't feel this way for very long. So it will pass. I can bury the dark hole when I'm done. For now, I'm just digging. I'm digging and digging and watching it fill with dead bodies. Dead parts of my happy little self that care what people think and feel. I'm happy not to care sometimes. It's exhausting being nice and smiling all the time. I'm a girl. I've been given one week or so to sink low, low, low so that I can appreciate the high. Life reminds me to put my pleasures in perspective. It shakes me up a bit. So I can experience new things and so I can keep learning how to conquer my Self.