The end of the year is near...

And it's only new beginnings from here. I am completely uncertain of what exactly my path is but today I have promised myself my newest resolution: to have courage. I will liberate myself of my fears that I am not good enough, that I don't deserve and that I am not going to get ahead in life. I refuse to believe in that anymore and I will continue only to have positive affirmations for myself. I am good enough. I am good at what I do and I will get better. I will continue to learn and expand and I will receive what I am worth because I do deserve it. I will advance further than I imagined in life and I will achieve my deepest desires, or at least try because I no longer am afraid to put myself out there. I will go out on a limb, I will experience that which is good for me and that which I need in order to become the person I want to become. I will travel to the other side of the world in search for all that is right and all that is good and I will plant myself in the middle of all that is beautiful. I will love myself and accept myself and no matter what I believed in the past, I know I will be ok. I let go of any limitations and beliefs that hold me back and I will claim my share of all the abundance that the Universe has to offer. I am already wealthy beyond belief and I will be unafraid to accept everything about me, as well as all the good that comes my way. I know life is unbelievably wonderful and all that I wish is within my reach. This is a new year. I may not be a new person in all aspects, but I am nurturing that light which shines in me by letting go of all the negativity I hold in myself. It is never too late and I have all the time in the world available to me. I can do anything and I am doing so with courage.

Powder

Winter magic is remarkable. The feel of your board cutting through snow like butter as you float over top of it, and the wet flakes fall all around you in a simultaneous but random pattern. The quietness of everything around you, the silence of the trees and the calm of the air, puts you in a peaceful state of mind. This is all you need in life, at this moment it is pure contentment. When the snow blankets the earth, everyone sort of goes into a frenzy. It means certain things. It means that Christmas is coming. It means they've forgotten to put on snow tires. It means that the end of the year is here. It means that everything is dying but everything will come back to life again. It means that it's time to strap in that snowboarding gear and get on the hill before I leave for sand and sun. It means that change is coming and it means that we have aged. And although it is ever so much fun to complain about the snow (insert sarcasm) we must remember one thing: It will pass and the cycle will repeat itself. So, enjoy it. Find pleasure in everything to do with winter. Make up reasons why it's your favourite season and simply play and have fun. Have fun.

Wrinkled sheets

It's 5am and I can't sleep. This is what happens when you go to bed at 9pm.I work in a few hours and have yet to go back to bed. I wish I could sleep all day, but today is busier than ever. My head is full of garbage. I haven't been to yoga in a month and I think I really need to go, but there seems to be more to do before I go than ever. Yes, I gave my notice. Yes, I'll be in the Philippines in a month. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I am terrified. Yes, I have all these ideas. Yes, I need to implement them. Yes, I know I can do all of them. Yes, I will miss my best friends, my partners, my bed, my cat, my apartment, my independence. Yes, I am thrilled. Yes, I will be back. When... I just don't know yet. The end of the year is near, and it's only new beginnings from here.

funny days..

There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said before. I piece together the puzzle slowly, analyzing each colour and shape that could be the perfect fit. Have I mentioned how I like my solitude? The same cycle is always recurring. Now I can tell you when they full moon is coming. I am always going to feel this no matter where I am. It may be a little less, or a little more, but nonetheless this.... this feeling may linger.
It's been a wild year. I accomplished more than I realized and even then it was just on such a small scale. I see big things and take small steps. I can take my whole life to build my empire, remembering that it too does not have much significance. The way people remember you will sum up your whole existence. It is short, our time. But time is endless, there is so much time for everything. There is time to be happy about speckles of white fluffy clouds falling from the sky. There is time to dance around and type endless babbling on a screen that eventually will take away your vision. Perhaps I should enjoy this limbo I am in. Often it is the anticipation of what is to come that is more fun than what actually comes. I am free, free, free, free... for now. But I feel like an animal that has chosen to leave it's home: frightened, excited and alone. Ah, but I suppose I have lived my entire life like that. What is the difference now?

a letter unsent

It was never my dream. Although I do know I asked for it. Every experience that happens is because I wished for it to be that way.
Every thing I've ever gone through is because I am strong enough to overcome it. It is because I wanted to know what it was like to experience all things, and because I wanted to know how to feel and how to feel deeply with all of my heart. I wanted to grow, and I wanted to build myself up stronger than I've ever been before. I wanted to rise up and tell myself I could do it, even if I had to do it on my own. And now, I have asked myself to have courage. I have asked myself to be honest with myself and with others and so now the time is come that I can not avoid it anymore. The moment is upon me and although there will be many opportunities, I can not hold on anymore. I can see it in myself if I am to stay, that day by day my spirit will die. What is best for me, will not always be the best for others but I can not be afraid to do what is best for me because it is not the best for others. Hasn't that been my whole life? Always trying to do what might be best for others? Even if it hurts me in the process? Haven't I always set myself aside...
No.. I think about it now and I realize I wasn't as afraid before. I left and came back and left and came back. I will always have a life here, I am sure of it. So why have I been so afraid now? Attachment. Disappointment.
Over the years I have grown. I have changed and I have become more aware. I will never be able to replace these years that have passed me. I will always remember them. I see so much good that has happened, but I know that feeling when it comes.
The feeling of the desire to spread my wings... to fly and to see just what else this grand world has to offer me.
And I know, it will happen more than this one time. It happens many times.
I have just forgotten, but I will not be afraid.