It's 5am and I can't sleep. This is what happens when you go to bed at 9pm.I work in a few hours and have yet to go back to bed. I wish I could sleep all day, but today is busier than ever. My head is full of garbage. I haven't been to yoga in a month and I think I really need to go, but there seems to be more to do before I go than ever. Yes, I gave my notice. Yes, I'll be in the Philippines in a month. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I am terrified. Yes, I have all these ideas. Yes, I need to implement them. Yes, I know I can do all of them. Yes, I will miss my best friends, my partners, my bed, my cat, my apartment, my independence. Yes, I am thrilled. Yes, I will be back. When... I just don't know yet. The end of the year is near, and it's only new beginnings from here.
Mailyne - Visual Art.Modeling.Photography.Video.Writing.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
funny days..
There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said before. I piece together the puzzle slowly, analyzing each colour and shape that could be the perfect fit. Have I mentioned how I like my solitude? The same cycle is always recurring. Now I can tell you when they full moon is coming. I am always going to feel this no matter where I am. It may be a little less, or a little more, but nonetheless this.... this feeling may linger.
It's been a wild year. I accomplished more than I realized and even then it was just on such a small scale. I see big things and take small steps. I can take my whole life to build my empire, remembering that it too does not have much significance. The way people remember you will sum up your whole existence. It is short, our time. But time is endless, there is so much time for everything. There is time to be happy about speckles of white fluffy clouds falling from the sky. There is time to dance around and type endless babbling on a screen that eventually will take away your vision. Perhaps I should enjoy this limbo I am in. Often it is the anticipation of what is to come that is more fun than what actually comes. I am free, free, free, free... for now. But I feel like an animal that has chosen to leave it's home: frightened, excited and alone. Ah, but I suppose I have lived my entire life like that. What is the difference now?
It's been a wild year. I accomplished more than I realized and even then it was just on such a small scale. I see big things and take small steps. I can take my whole life to build my empire, remembering that it too does not have much significance. The way people remember you will sum up your whole existence. It is short, our time. But time is endless, there is so much time for everything. There is time to be happy about speckles of white fluffy clouds falling from the sky. There is time to dance around and type endless babbling on a screen that eventually will take away your vision. Perhaps I should enjoy this limbo I am in. Often it is the anticipation of what is to come that is more fun than what actually comes. I am free, free, free, free... for now. But I feel like an animal that has chosen to leave it's home: frightened, excited and alone. Ah, but I suppose I have lived my entire life like that. What is the difference now?
Friday, November 27, 2009
a letter unsent
It was never my dream. Although I do know I asked for it. Every experience that happens is because I wished for it to be that way.
Every thing I've ever gone through is because I am strong enough to overcome it. It is because I wanted to know what it was like to experience all things, and because I wanted to know how to feel and how to feel deeply with all of my heart. I wanted to grow, and I wanted to build myself up stronger than I've ever been before. I wanted to rise up and tell myself I could do it, even if I had to do it on my own. And now, I have asked myself to have courage. I have asked myself to be honest with myself and with others and so now the time is come that I can not avoid it anymore. The moment is upon me and although there will be many opportunities, I can not hold on anymore. I can see it in myself if I am to stay, that day by day my spirit will die. What is best for me, will not always be the best for others but I can not be afraid to do what is best for me because it is not the best for others. Hasn't that been my whole life? Always trying to do what might be best for others? Even if it hurts me in the process? Haven't I always set myself aside...
No.. I think about it now and I realize I wasn't as afraid before. I left and came back and left and came back. I will always have a life here, I am sure of it. So why have I been so afraid now? Attachment. Disappointment.
Over the years I have grown. I have changed and I have become more aware. I will never be able to replace these years that have passed me. I will always remember them. I see so much good that has happened, but I know that feeling when it comes.
The feeling of the desire to spread my wings... to fly and to see just what else this grand world has to offer me.
And I know, it will happen more than this one time. It happens many times.
I have just forgotten, but I will not be afraid.
Every thing I've ever gone through is because I am strong enough to overcome it. It is because I wanted to know what it was like to experience all things, and because I wanted to know how to feel and how to feel deeply with all of my heart. I wanted to grow, and I wanted to build myself up stronger than I've ever been before. I wanted to rise up and tell myself I could do it, even if I had to do it on my own. And now, I have asked myself to have courage. I have asked myself to be honest with myself and with others and so now the time is come that I can not avoid it anymore. The moment is upon me and although there will be many opportunities, I can not hold on anymore. I can see it in myself if I am to stay, that day by day my spirit will die. What is best for me, will not always be the best for others but I can not be afraid to do what is best for me because it is not the best for others. Hasn't that been my whole life? Always trying to do what might be best for others? Even if it hurts me in the process? Haven't I always set myself aside...
No.. I think about it now and I realize I wasn't as afraid before. I left and came back and left and came back. I will always have a life here, I am sure of it. So why have I been so afraid now? Attachment. Disappointment.
Over the years I have grown. I have changed and I have become more aware. I will never be able to replace these years that have passed me. I will always remember them. I see so much good that has happened, but I know that feeling when it comes.
The feeling of the desire to spread my wings... to fly and to see just what else this grand world has to offer me.
And I know, it will happen more than this one time. It happens many times.
I have just forgotten, but I will not be afraid.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
november...
Gray skies fill my peripheral.
The trees seem to have lost their child-like essence.
Everything is preparing for a deep slumber, things are moving slower.
The way the air feels is damp. Cool, as the fog hovers above the river, sweeping slow over the grass.
The grass that once was green has become littered with brown, wet leaves.
Slowly returning to it's roots.
I feel unsettled, as if something is going to happen.
But what, I don't know. The clouds promise snow.
The wind promises change.
Nightfall is so quick to come, but it does so like a stealth, without warning.
But there is no light coming from the moon with these November skies.
November is almost over. It is the month that signifies death, but at the same time, it promises rebirth.
The cycle will continue.
The trees seem to have lost their child-like essence.
Everything is preparing for a deep slumber, things are moving slower.
The way the air feels is damp. Cool, as the fog hovers above the river, sweeping slow over the grass.
The grass that once was green has become littered with brown, wet leaves.
Slowly returning to it's roots.
I feel unsettled, as if something is going to happen.
But what, I don't know. The clouds promise snow.
The wind promises change.
Nightfall is so quick to come, but it does so like a stealth, without warning.
But there is no light coming from the moon with these November skies.
November is almost over. It is the month that signifies death, but at the same time, it promises rebirth.
The cycle will continue.
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