Another 5am?

Another 5am. I think I'm going insane. I know I bring this all upon myself, but seriously? Today I woke up at a quarter to 1pm. Is this how it would be if I didn't lead a normal life of human existence? God, I think I'm reading too much Twilight. I read the first novel in oh... if I had to count up the hours, I think it was about 6? 7? I started New Moon at about.. 2:30am. I am halfway through it. It is 4:58am as I type.

It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...

It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.

I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?

It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?

Am I wrong to even want it?

Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.

The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...

Why would I ever miss that?

Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.

Silly adults.

Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.

5am

I am awake at 5am making gifts!
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.

Stay-cation

I would like to pat myself on the back for my first day of stay-cation, where I have decided to stay inside my home and selectively choose whom I make contact with and how. I know, I know.. it really could be called dishonest, but seriously, I need my own time. I need some control of my Life right now and this week being my week off, I have decided to give myself the power to decide whatever I feel like and not feel guilty for it.

After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.

I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.

studying to the dream...

Blah. I am taking a break from the mundane textbook I am reading. I have an exam tomorrow worth $2000 and more. It signifies the completion of my apprenticeship in Hairstyling, allowing me to function as a fully licensed stylist. Meaning I can now own my own hair salon. And I have been reading this textbook looking back at when I was in class and how interesting it used to be for me. Now.. it seems like pointless babble. Jargon I am tired of. It's not that I don't love it.. I do love certain aspects of it. It's just that it's time for me to let it go.

And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.

It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.

But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"

And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.

Of no real meaning...

These symbols... words that you read on this screen right now, have no real moral to it. I'm just pouring out my thoughts and whoever chooses to read this right now has to bear it. This past weekend was the full moon. Sunday, October 4th to be exact. Some people may wonder what that has to do with anything, but for me, the moon really has a powerful effect on me. My body follows it's cycles monthly. I can tell you exactly when nature's worst time for females is upon me based on the monthly moon cycle. When I see the moon it has a calming effect on me. I feel peaceful. I could recall many moments when I have stared up at the bright, white circle in the sky and felt truly.. in awe. Any person that was me at that moment would have felt like no thing in the world was more beautiful and no moment except that one was perfect.

I just finished cooking dinner for friends. It was delicious. And I need friends in my life that love to eat in order for me to get that pleasure of cooking such a real meal. I can't cook like that for just myself.. it just seems like such a pity for one single soul to consume it and not share it with others.
These friends will be married soon. Well, on paper... since practically they are, by definition... married.

Part of me wonders if I could ever settle down and be with that one person that will be my best friend until I die. You know? That I would go grocery shopping with, cook dinners with, travel around with, create art with, talk deeply about everything with, and wake up and fall asleep next to. I love all these things that I write here... but no one has enticed me enough to follow through. No one has known me long enough for me to really care if it happens... and part of me just doesn't feel it enough with anyone to want to put in the time and effort. Because seriously, if I will commit, then that person sure as hell better know what it's like to be a friend first. A friend first, a lover second.
I do have a best guy friend. I've known for almost 10 years. I'm still getting to know him, and he's one of the best and most real friends I know and I will ever have. After 10 years of course I'm still getting to know him, he's always changing. And so am I. I'm still getting to know who I am.

I'm happy with this person that I call my "Self". I'm happy with who she's becoming, who she wants to become. Who she is when she is alone in this room typing away, and who she is when she is surrounded by precious humans. I love who she is when she is just doing what makes her happiest. And I've become more loving of who she is when she is sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely. After 24 years of getting to know her... she is definitely gaining strength and becoming... more... real.

Maybe that's what it's about. What attracts me... people who are real. Things that are real. Of real importance... that have depth. That are real enough to touch me deeply. That are real enough to have their own answers. That are real enough just to be.