Time makes the heart grow fonder

Even when you're 50 I'll still be in your life. I love you now. I loved you then. I will love you always.

the life and death of the rollercoaster

this is winter. pointilism by mai

I rode a wave today.
Not too long ago I thought about dying.
People are afraid of that word. I used to be.
But I've played around with the thought of it since I was 6. Or 7.
We look at children these days and we think they are so young.
They don't know better.
True, in some cases. But most often there is a very special intelligence in their minds.
We lose it when we become adults.
It gets lost in our life patterns and in our day to day routines.
I played with the thought of death because I like to imagine what it's like.
What it's like not to worry about making money.
What its like not to think about if we're going to make our dreams come true.
What it's like not to think about living.
Or people.
Or caring.
Or all of that which makes us human.
When I think about being human I admit, I get angry. Occasionally.
This is the low part of the rollercoaster.
And I enjoy it all the same.
I think about death when I want to throw away my cares, my ambitions and my passions.
It's not physical death, just mind death.
Meditation. Call it what you want.
We're all here for a purpose.
We're all here to ride our own rollercoaster.
I enjoy thinking about when I can get off mine.
And float around. Empty.
I'd miss everything though.
The feelings. The moments. The sunset.
Although, I suppose, I'd miss them dead or alive.
I'd be missing them because they would be gone.
And it wouldn't matter then.
Because they are gone.
Don't you see how beautiful this ride is?

So the wave I rode not too long ago... it passed, as usual.
I noticed it better this time.
I witnessed the life and death of the rollercoaster.
I loved it because I can.

fortune readings

I've never had my fortune read before. I've always wanted it, but between palm readings, tarot readings and psychics, I just thought it was way too much and who cares anyway. Well the other day I decided I would go eat dinner with a friend of mine who regularly visits this Thai family. She had mentioned to me that they had read her palm and counted her fingers and knew her past and saw her future. I know, it all sounds super silly. So I decided I would join her to see what would happen. 

I'll have to mention that they barely spoke any English, so the whole night was being translated for me. 

After eating the most amazing dinner my friend mentions how I'd like to have my palm read. This family is very spiritual and they have been doing this for years, passed down in their family and so on. If you don't know much about Thai culture, please take the time to do so. 

Anyway, long story short, numbers, lines and 4 hours later they told me everything I knew and wanted to know. Well... who knows if I wanted to know really.. but I get the whole picture now. I'm not going to divulge what was said or what happened, but it was very personal and memorable.. and definitely life-changing. My fortune stays beside my bedside. What I will tell you, is that I know I have to continue to give thanks every single day - A LOT of thanks. And that no matter what happens, I need to stay away from boys until I'm 30.

DREAM.LOVE.GROW FOUNDATION - STATUS UPDATE!!!

Today we've officially received a Federal Tax ID for Dream.Love.Grow Foundation. Our office is located in California and we are taking the next step to file our Articles of Incorporation. Baby steps and we're on the way. I could not do this without the help of my friend and her daddy.

The battle

A reflective surface begs for a fight.
Shoulders drop, tension releases.
It comes and goes like the tide,
But burns fires in the air, thick like smoke spewing from an ancient volcano.
Black eyes mentally drawn from clenched fists, teaching lessons through the night.
Sleep comes forced, but light comes unannounced.
To beg.
Look.
A cracked reflective surface wanting just one once,
To set it's jagged lines in place.

If I were a boy

Curving, 

deep into the windows of the world,

staring in amazement.

And I realize how easy it is to be glued

back into pieces

but not before being taken apart 

like snapped strings on a guitar.

This is why I am happy to be a girl

Because if I were a boy 

I would have my heart-broken every day 

just from looking

this is how you make me feel

It's hard for me to find the air
This cold and snowy morning
I realized that it's easy to forget the feeling
Until you close your eyes and remember the memory
It's easy to block it out
It's difficult to get it back
Because it's like a bird
In flight always, never in one spot too long
You can never expect it to come back
But you are grateful if it does
This is how you appreciate it
We can't grasp things that are water
Always flowing, recirculating back into the air.

The first week of 2011

I sit here listening to CKCU: Midnight Jamz on my computer as I type this. I've just finished eating dinner and enjoyed a very nice afternoon with a good friend. We talked about life and our grandmothers. It was very moving to hear about his grandmother, who bless her soul passed away this August. I can relate to his love for her because of the love I have for mine. I decided to write my grandmothers memoirs as a way of becoming close to her and getting to know her more, while I have the opportunity to.

While I was scrubbing dishes I thought to myself, these are the moments that I need in my life. The stories and memories of people who have been loved, who are loved, who inspire others and move their hearts. These stories of humanity and true compassion are the ones that I need most, especially at a hectic time in my life where I have literally put aside everything I ever was in order to pursue what I want most from life.

And although I am never certain, I know my heart will tell me so and I will be guided towards the right direction should I ever stray from my path. I have many moments of doubt where I wonder what is this I work towards. is it all futile? Is there a point? I wonder if I'm really a good person or if I pretend to be. I wonder do I really care about what I think I care about? Or have I managed to lie to myself the way that I have lied to myself while I was in previously unhealthy relationships.

But even when I don't want to or I don't know how, I trust myself to trust myself. I believe in myself to know that I will know the difference. I trust that I will do what is best for me and what is right. Even if no one understands or if I don't understand exactly why I do what I do. And I guess that is all I really can do.

So Happy New Year, everyone! Best of luck with everything you pursue and may whatever you do bring you all the happiness you could want.