Random E-mails

I just received this e-mail and I don't know who this person is, but whoever Siggi is, thank you.

"You have no idea, the great things that are about to happen to you,
The great endeavors you will do. How you will inspire others to succeed. You have only caught a glimpse of all of the wonderful things that shall come to pass.

And if people offer their help or wisdom as you go through life, accept it gratefully. You can learn much from those who have gone before you but never be afraid or hesitant to step off the accepted path and head off in your own direction, if your heart tells you that it's the right way for you. Always believe that you will ultimately succeed at whatever you do, and never forget the value of persistence, discipline, and determination.

You are meant to be whatever you dream of becoming."

  

Siggi

Grey skies

Don't mention it
How the skies cloud me
When the world is grey
The windows blur green
And the sky slowly breathes
Cloud covers me like a blanket
To suffocate me
The sun is there somewhere
The blue tints poke through
This is the start of November

Autumn

Cool air
The smell of damp leaves
Pumpkins
Orange
Yellow
Red
Beautiful, beautiful
A time for change
Preparation for grey skies
Sweaters and boots
Golden sunsets
Trees shedding
Ready to hibernate
Ready for winter
Ready for another cycle

Rain

It's lovely when it rains. It washes away any feelings leftover, the kind that you can't shake but cling to your skin like sticky ice cream. When it rains the world inside you opens up and releases a flood that is free to escape and pour down sewers to creeks where eventually it finds the ocean. Your thoughts and emotions go back to where they came from: out there.

Anger

Sometimes the things that make you angry are small and instigated
merely by words of another. Why is that so. Our mind chooses to react
in certain ways that seem beyond our control. Really the best way to
ease it all is simply to step back from the situation and observe it.
It's then when you can recognize where your anger is coming from.

--
www.mailyne.com

The longest day has passed again

For the past few hours I've been going through my past writing in order to compile a book. Going through my old writing on MYSPACE (<--- click the link to visit my old writing) is like going through my soul. It's interesting when you go through your past just how much it repeats itself. We keep going through the same things until we learn our lesson. Or perhaps I'm just a broken record. Perhaps I'm just a glitch in time.

Oh silly woman.

So since we last met, I have since stopped working full-time, focused on my art, became engaged, went to Cuba and am now working on my book and my wedding details.

I believe that my perspective on time is different from everyone else and that what most people can achieve in 3 years, I will achieve in 3 months. I create time with my mind and that is why people probably think I am crazy.

I also lead others to believe that I am some wild woman when in reality I am a humble housewife. I want to make babies. I want to make art and I love to cook. Somewhere in there I became a traveler, but since my last flight to Cuba I discovered I am not really fond of flying. Traveling either. Sigh. I've been moving my whole life and at some point I would really like to stand still.

You know that stillness that you get when you wake up so early that the mist is still covering the ground and you can see your breathe? The kind of stillness that if you close your eyes you can hear the sound of the wind in the palm trees on the other side of the Earth?

Yes, that stillness.

But I am now working on finding that "spot" within myself. So to be still among all the chaos and all the din created by my mind and humanity. No matter where I am in the world I'd like to be able to close my eyes with my eyes open and hear palm trees blowing in the wind.

It sounds like rain.

Mobility

I'm testing this out to see if this works. Walking around writing and
posting to my blog from my cell phone. Sigh. Technology.

Hibernate

I wanted to share this music video with you that I recently shot and edited. My good friend May-Jun is a beautiful singer/songwriter and artist and we took the day to create her newest video for her song "Hibernate." Hope you like it!

The 80/20 update.

It's been a while that I've written. So much can change in the blink of an eye.

Montreal will soon be home for me.

When I move in July, I'll be traveling between Muskoka, Sudbury, Montreal and Ottawa all for work - all for the passion of art and love. Have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule?
My friend May-Jun told me to look it up one day and I found this great article on it:

http://www.entrepreneurs-journey.com/397/80-20-rule-pareto-principle/

It's an inspiring piece of writing that I've been reading slowly over the past couple of days.
It talks about how we shouldn't spend time working at a job we don't like and spending more time on our passions because we can generate more income when we're happy. I'm probably saying it wrong, but please talk the time to read it. It's marvelous.

In two weeks we'll be having an artshow in Sudbury, carving and decorating cakes and filming it. I'm in love you know.

It's been a while since I've written partially because I haven't been in front of a computer.
I'm seeing things more clearly now. Everything I've been doing has been in the right direction. I have let go of a lot of things and I'm looking forward now.

I had my cards read and all of my cards in the past where upside down. Now they are right side up. They told me everything will be more clear... and like I just said, things have never been more clear as they are now.

Life is amazing. We just have to believe in it and we have to believe in ourselves. We can't hate on who we are, we have to accept ourselves and love ourselves fully before we can attract what we want and WHO we want in our lives. We'll meet people for different reasons though, but all to teach you something about who you are.

Be flexible, I always think to myself. I have to adapt to changing times around me, but no matter how many times I move I know the space within myself is still. And it helps that now I have someone by my side to remind me of that stillness and to show me real love.

I've never known a love like this before.

I've never known life to be this good before. Even when it's not good, it's still good.
And that is how I know I'm on the right path.

When things work out and they are easy... it's right.

Life is funny though. She takes you on a ride first before giving you what you've been waiting for. Try to ask her nicely for what you want and be ready to give something in return. Be ready to give all of yourself. When it's right, it will just be easy and you'll just know.

Patience is the key.

Well that's about it I suppose. I'll be leaving soon in two weeks to drive across Canada to Vancouver and down to California. It's going to be such an adventure, something I've always wanted to do just to know that I've done it and just to learn everything I can on the way.

It's for experience, for memories, for learning and for love.

That is why Life is so good.

entangled pieces thrown into the sun

how entrenched our thoughts are combined with each others.
life is a set up for heart break, our human thoughts like darts and grenades.
we want love. we all want love. we know when it is right. we know when it is not.
we are stupid and mindless, bumbling fools when our minds are clouded.
it's time to release, clear space, be simple, have less, be one.
it's just that i can feel the ripping and tearing from years of becoming entangled.
it's not simple to unravel, but our hearts know and it's hard to follow,
but it's true. to give yourself fully and completely you need to be you.
100 percent yourself, no fear and go.
it is the fear that holds us bound by what we do, chained melodies playing sorrow
through the night.
carelessness is a devil not to dance with.
honesty will overcome, prevail and lead us to where we need to be.
honesty with ourselves. honesty with others.
love for ourselves. love for others.
all directions point to love
like flocking birds heading in the direction of the sun.
we are one and that is why it hurts to rip apart.
but the earth will heal you.
the air will comfort you.
the water will cleanse you.
the fire will warm you.

the internet

I know this may sound strange (at least to myself), but I love the internet. I also love my computer. When I sit in front of it and I type... I feel connected. It's similar to the way that I use my pen and paper to write. All my thoughts are fed to a system and it is logged. Filed away. Why wouldn't I love that? It is what I am. A system. Part of what keeps me alive are the millions of systems I connect to. As a human and as a molecule.

Anyway, I missed it. What does that mean?

This is how you love

Inner turmoil, relentless waves and an open cage for a bird to fly away. In this case, hobbling with a slightly broken wing needing a moment to heal before taking flight into the vast open sky.

The cage is golden, shining with the colour of the sunset and twinkling like the stars in the night. Soft cushions and all good things seem to seep from the hinges and crevices, but the chains were bound fast within the mind.

Crushing hearts could be heard across the sky for the little bird was breaking.

Why leave a good thing.

Resentment rides high breaking spirits, breaking souls. Time and time again.

The sky is a big place and quite lonely.

The ground is comforting. Perhaps there is a happy medium.

It has opened it's cage doors to bring in the wind and whirl around the stars, shaping them like roses to say...

"I love you. Be free."

ART.

It's like I'm a mad hatter, wearing multiple caps but art's all the same whether I'm shooting this or painting that. I do it cuz I love it, not to sound cheesy, but I gotta stay creative and what I love keeps me busy. I'm a visual person with a mess of a mind, I'll make art til I die cuz it's what keeps me alive.

without art

I would be dead. Nothing. I would have killed myself for real if I didn't have pages to pour my heart out onto or paint to smear my feelings with. Everything that comes out of my mind is transmuted into some form of tangible, visual, audible thing. And this happens so that I don't explode.

regardless, I love you.

I have the luck of having two mothers. Both of which pretend to like each other. One mother is by birth and the other by... selection or, if you want to call it, fate. The latter is in paperwork though still by blood; my auntie, whom I have struggled to co-exist with in the same house, let alone the same planet. I used to think it was my fault. It's not anyone's fault. Due to past traumas and psychological experiences, she treats me... well.. differently. I refuse to be negative about this situation and I won't indulge personal information on this world wide web, but I will say that I want the ripple affect to stop now. With me. I refuse to pass on this treatment and I refuse to have children until I can safely say that I am strong enough to overcome the past traumas she has brought me, so that I may only show my children love, respect and fairness.

When you tip-toe around someone and try not to crush eggshells, it can be tiring. I am never myself. Don't show too much happiness. Don't be too sad. Do NOT cry. Do not ask for anything. Do not be a real family member. Do not speak. Do not do anything without asking first. Do not live with her. Do not hug her. Do not show her love. It seems exaggerated and ridiculous, but it is truth. Rationalizing with her never helps and the best thing is to suck it up and agree with her. With everyone else, she is fine. With me.. well, I told you already, it's different.

Our relationship teaches me a lot about who I am, who I would like to be and how I should treat others. If anything, this is the reason I accept her just as she was then and just as she is now. In my perfect world I would take away her anger and her hurt and her suffering and I would change the things that happened to her in order for her to be happy. But then I wouldn't be who I am now. Strange isn't it? To suffer and then to reap the benefits of someone else's suffering in order to build up to become a stronger, kinder person.

When I tell people this, I realize it's difficult for them to understand. Just tell her you love her. Just hug her. Just do something nice for her. I do. I have. I try. But realistically, we have what we have and our relationship is as it is. You can not change someone. You can not change the past. You just dodge arrows, turn them into flowers and send them back if you can and most of all, accept it and still love them unconditionally.

A thought.

I like you and your insecurities just the way you are. Pretend you're unafraid while you're quivering from your heart deep into your knees. It makes you more beautiful. But I can see right through you, the way you see through me. We're more transparent then we seem.

Wordpress...

I have been fiddling and diddling with Wordpress to create DreamLoveGrow's website
It has been quite the journey, but thankfully there are people like Extatix that really know their stuff. I'm posting this here so I can always find it, but for those of you that want to know how to change the font size of your pages, posts and more in Arras Wordpress theme... go here: Arras Support Change Font

My only advice is: use the user.css to put any changes you make into your site. It overrides the default and is easier to change than any of the .php files.

Ok, enough nerding out. I'm hungry.

TED sixth sense technology [ www.mobileUncle.com ]

If I could...

If I could crawl into a little hole and hide, I would.
I would turn into a turtle so I could duck my head into my shell and hide from the world.
Perhaps I would fly up really high and stay afloat in space never to come down.
I feel awful and ashamed.
I'm so sorry for causing you pain.

Valentine's Day

It's about being with the ones that you love. It's about chocolate and romance.

It's about whatever you want it to be about. Some people celebrate their birthdays. Some people don't do anything. Whatever it is you do, make sure that you remember the most important thing is Love. Love yourself.

Time makes the heart grow fonder

Even when you're 50 I'll still be in your life. I love you now. I loved you then. I will love you always.

the life and death of the rollercoaster

this is winter. pointilism by mai

I rode a wave today.
Not too long ago I thought about dying.
People are afraid of that word. I used to be.
But I've played around with the thought of it since I was 6. Or 7.
We look at children these days and we think they are so young.
They don't know better.
True, in some cases. But most often there is a very special intelligence in their minds.
We lose it when we become adults.
It gets lost in our life patterns and in our day to day routines.
I played with the thought of death because I like to imagine what it's like.
What it's like not to worry about making money.
What its like not to think about if we're going to make our dreams come true.
What it's like not to think about living.
Or people.
Or caring.
Or all of that which makes us human.
When I think about being human I admit, I get angry. Occasionally.
This is the low part of the rollercoaster.
And I enjoy it all the same.
I think about death when I want to throw away my cares, my ambitions and my passions.
It's not physical death, just mind death.
Meditation. Call it what you want.
We're all here for a purpose.
We're all here to ride our own rollercoaster.
I enjoy thinking about when I can get off mine.
And float around. Empty.
I'd miss everything though.
The feelings. The moments. The sunset.
Although, I suppose, I'd miss them dead or alive.
I'd be missing them because they would be gone.
And it wouldn't matter then.
Because they are gone.
Don't you see how beautiful this ride is?

So the wave I rode not too long ago... it passed, as usual.
I noticed it better this time.
I witnessed the life and death of the rollercoaster.
I loved it because I can.

fortune readings

I've never had my fortune read before. I've always wanted it, but between palm readings, tarot readings and psychics, I just thought it was way too much and who cares anyway. Well the other day I decided I would go eat dinner with a friend of mine who regularly visits this Thai family. She had mentioned to me that they had read her palm and counted her fingers and knew her past and saw her future. I know, it all sounds super silly. So I decided I would join her to see what would happen. 

I'll have to mention that they barely spoke any English, so the whole night was being translated for me. 

After eating the most amazing dinner my friend mentions how I'd like to have my palm read. This family is very spiritual and they have been doing this for years, passed down in their family and so on. If you don't know much about Thai culture, please take the time to do so. 

Anyway, long story short, numbers, lines and 4 hours later they told me everything I knew and wanted to know. Well... who knows if I wanted to know really.. but I get the whole picture now. I'm not going to divulge what was said or what happened, but it was very personal and memorable.. and definitely life-changing. My fortune stays beside my bedside. What I will tell you, is that I know I have to continue to give thanks every single day - A LOT of thanks. And that no matter what happens, I need to stay away from boys until I'm 30.

DREAM.LOVE.GROW FOUNDATION - STATUS UPDATE!!!

Today we've officially received a Federal Tax ID for Dream.Love.Grow Foundation. Our office is located in California and we are taking the next step to file our Articles of Incorporation. Baby steps and we're on the way. I could not do this without the help of my friend and her daddy.

The battle

A reflective surface begs for a fight.
Shoulders drop, tension releases.
It comes and goes like the tide,
But burns fires in the air, thick like smoke spewing from an ancient volcano.
Black eyes mentally drawn from clenched fists, teaching lessons through the night.
Sleep comes forced, but light comes unannounced.
To beg.
Look.
A cracked reflective surface wanting just one once,
To set it's jagged lines in place.

If I were a boy

Curving, 

deep into the windows of the world,

staring in amazement.

And I realize how easy it is to be glued

back into pieces

but not before being taken apart 

like snapped strings on a guitar.

This is why I am happy to be a girl

Because if I were a boy 

I would have my heart-broken every day 

just from looking

this is how you make me feel

It's hard for me to find the air
This cold and snowy morning
I realized that it's easy to forget the feeling
Until you close your eyes and remember the memory
It's easy to block it out
It's difficult to get it back
Because it's like a bird
In flight always, never in one spot too long
You can never expect it to come back
But you are grateful if it does
This is how you appreciate it
We can't grasp things that are water
Always flowing, recirculating back into the air.

The first week of 2011

I sit here listening to CKCU: Midnight Jamz on my computer as I type this. I've just finished eating dinner and enjoyed a very nice afternoon with a good friend. We talked about life and our grandmothers. It was very moving to hear about his grandmother, who bless her soul passed away this August. I can relate to his love for her because of the love I have for mine. I decided to write my grandmothers memoirs as a way of becoming close to her and getting to know her more, while I have the opportunity to.

While I was scrubbing dishes I thought to myself, these are the moments that I need in my life. The stories and memories of people who have been loved, who are loved, who inspire others and move their hearts. These stories of humanity and true compassion are the ones that I need most, especially at a hectic time in my life where I have literally put aside everything I ever was in order to pursue what I want most from life.

And although I am never certain, I know my heart will tell me so and I will be guided towards the right direction should I ever stray from my path. I have many moments of doubt where I wonder what is this I work towards. is it all futile? Is there a point? I wonder if I'm really a good person or if I pretend to be. I wonder do I really care about what I think I care about? Or have I managed to lie to myself the way that I have lied to myself while I was in previously unhealthy relationships.

But even when I don't want to or I don't know how, I trust myself to trust myself. I believe in myself to know that I will know the difference. I trust that I will do what is best for me and what is right. Even if no one understands or if I don't understand exactly why I do what I do. And I guess that is all I really can do.

So Happy New Year, everyone! Best of luck with everything you pursue and may whatever you do bring you all the happiness you could want.