the monthly lows

I can feel when it comes. Lately I start to enjoy it because I know. 

It's not really me, but it is... a little angry part of me that will never fully die. It's the little corner of the well that never fully ever saw the sun. I embrace it now. It gives me a certain strength and a certain confidence. Because I don't care when I'm this way. Perhaps this is what I need to balance.The part of me that was outspoken, with attitude that just didn't even give a fuck. Why should I? Who actually did? All these fake fucks walking around acting like they care. All the stupid half ass conversations we have with our heads so far up in the clouds and up our ass that we don't even listen anyway. So what would it matter? I can feed off the fuel for a while. I know this is not who I am when I feel this way. I know that I can feel this way. I know that I won't feel this way for very long. So it will pass. I can bury the dark hole when I'm done. For now, I'm just digging. I'm digging and digging and watching it fill with dead bodies. Dead parts of my happy little self that care what people think and feel. I'm happy not to care sometimes. It's exhausting being nice and smiling all the time. I'm a girl. I've been given one week or so to sink low, low, low so that I can appreciate the high. Life reminds me to put my pleasures in perspective. It shakes me up a bit. So I can experience new things and so I can keep learning how to conquer my Self.

my birthday presents

I give myself permission to be happy.
I accept an abundance of wealth into my life.
I trust myself to succeed
And I will pick myself up when I fail.
I will not fear mistakes,
They are simply lessons.
I will allow love to flow out of me
And I will do so with an open heart.
I will be observant of my mind, 
And be listening to my heart.
I will know when it is right, 
But I will allow for opportunities.
I build myself up to gain strength
And confidence in my abilities.
I have no excuses.
I can be whatever I want.
I can learn whatever I want.
I can do what I put my complete self into.
I will not listen to negativity, 
In fact, I will only allow positivity to be in my life.
Even if it means having to shut off my mind.
I will only accept honesty from myself
And in my relationships.
I am dedicated to becoming a better person..
A stronger woman...
A more compassionate human... 

These are my gifts to myself. 
These are my presents from Life.
I've made it a quarter of a century...
And I am happy.

dancing with dreams

I love Sundays. 
I'm typing one handed in this sweltering heat.
I refuse to turn on the air con because it shoots out a nest of ants.
Everywhere.
It's a little disturbing. 
So I'm at my sisters.
We just finished talking about this art school I want to open.
Though I think she wants it more.
Which is exciting, because it motivates me. 
I'm just scared.
I'm going to do it, but there is no rush.
Like I've said before, I can only do what I can do today.
No looking too far ahead.
No thinking too much.
i'm just going to do what I love
and try to make it possible for others to do what they love.
Or at least try and learn.
No rushing.
Just small steps.
I dreamt I danced with Brad Pitt.
I've never had a dream about a celebrity before.
Maybe it means I'll meet him. hahaha yeah right.
I looked it up. It has something to do with thinking about
possessing qualities of that celebrity.
I don't really care, but all I know is it made me want to dance.
So I'm starting a dance class.
I've decided that no matter how long it takes, 
I'm going to do everything I dreamed of.
Baby steps, but I will take action. I will try.
I can do anything I put my mind and heart into.
I can be whatever I want.
 

thank you death

I know, I know. 
We weren't going to talk about this.
Death isn't something we're supposed to talk about.
But how about nearly dying?
I just mean that I was lucky. 
One that I'm healthy and I'm happy.
Two, that my mind is changed. 
I'm feeling so different lately.
I care less about trivial things. I care more about my passions.
Shouldn't we know that lesson already?
Shouldn't we all just be living life one day at a time?
I worried about the future a lot. 
I can still... but... this time I stop myself.
I can only live today. That is all I can do for myself.
Do what I can today. Small things that can possibly lead to big things.
But the important thing is just what you do today.
That's it. 
That's all that near death wanted to teach me. 
I will never forget now. Thank you.

fingernails tap on plastic

I like writing. Do you?

I wouldn't really like to think of this as writing. In a way it is. 

It's typing. Typing is different from writing. 

I write in my sketchbook. Do you find that odd? That I would write in a sketchbook?

Aren't words drawings anyhow?

Let me interrupt myself here. 

I find when people do something they were normally meant to do, 

like sit up straight... it can look rather odd. 

Moving on. 

I've decided that I talk too much.

I decided I like being with my family because I don't have to speak.

I realize that my ego can be too big even when it was on the brink of death.

It's too big and it wants people to know too many things that are unimportant.

I've decided that anytime I want to tell someone of something that happened, 

I'm not going to. 

I'm not going to tell people what I've been doing. Or what I think of doing.

Or what I should do. 

Because really it's unimportant to me. It's only important to my ego.

Which is only useful when I am creating. 

If I didn't have my ego there, I wouldn't be good at making art

Because I compete with myself. When My Self tells my other Self my work is dumb, 

It makes me want to kill it and make something that isn't so dumb.

So in other words, I fight myself. Life is like that. We fight ourselves.

Even if it's dumb.

So I've decided spoken words of what I do is unimportant. 

I just need to do it. And if people notice, then they notice.

If they don't notice, they weren't meant to.

And I  shouldn't care, because I'm the only person that should care if I notice.

Did I do what I told myself I would do?

Did I do it well?

Did I try to do what I thought about doing?

Did I do it with a smile and was it fun?

That's all that matters. 

None of this other stuff matters. 

Oh, it's a bonus if it makes other people smile.

Actually, that's mainly what I am here to do in life. 

Make people happy.

But I don't need to tell people that. 

I don't need to tell people that's what I'm trying to do. 

It doesn't matter. 

I love you for reading this. 

yes!

sorry I've been a little morbid, but I think I'm getting better now.
Whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.
I just want everyone to know I love them.
Yes.
I love you.