I remember.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Deeper now.
Once more. Twice again. Third time around.
I love when movies take you to a better place.
Like books.
You know it's all so crazy.
Which is the dream. Which isn't?
Is it all just a dream? If that is so then I can make it all happen.
Can't I? Who says I can't anyway?
My brain. Society. You.
If it's you then I don't want to believe it. You should be encouraging me to be everything.
And nothing all at the same time.
Can you do that? Because to me, you are a genius. You are a bright shooting star.
I wrote two songs and recorded them. They remind me of you.
What? You don't believe you're a genius? Well... maybe not "you" then. Just whatever controls you.
Ah, your brain. The brain does everything doesn't it? It even makes us second guess ourselves.
It also makes us forget to breathe when it's got all of this thinking.
You know we are natural multi-taskers, but do we breathe while we're doing it?
Isn't that the most important thing? If we don't breathe how can we think properly.
Our brain will be lacking oxygen. I think I'm lacking oxygen a lot because often my brain thinks funny.
It thinks too much and makes me forget to breathe.
It can be helped you know. I don't have to do what everyone else is doing.
I don't actually have to listen to my mind. The universe will take care of that.
It's the enigma, the actual mystery as to what happens to us on a day to day basis.
Minute by minute we are changing. And then I think of eating a bag of fucking chips.
It's madness. All I want to do is to be able to enjoy nature and enjoy breathing and enjoy life
in a content state. I want to be able to balance the spiritual with the materialistic and I want to
walk with a pure mind void of judgment. Didn't I know that already?
What happened to practicing that? Ah, yes. I forgot all about it when I traveled across the ocean
and lost myself.
Yes. I lost me. In this hurricane madness... and the challenge was not getting here. It was not getting the job.
It was not being with family. The real challenge was whether or not I could find myself after the winds died down, the magma stopped flowing and the floods ceased.
I am still here after all. Breathing.
Thank the Universe. It hasn't given up on me yet.
Who am I. I am remembering again. I am loving it.
It's so ridiculously funny and exciting.
I am singing more. My heart is singing more to the beat of my breath.
Deeper I go.

The View Looks Different From Up Here

The View from Skywalk Extreme (Top of Crown Regency Hotel)
Cebu City, Cebu, Philippines
2010

The View from Beach Buns Restaurant
Mactan, Cebu, Philippines
2010

The View from F3 Mansion
Mactan, Cebu, Philippines
2010

all these things we can never know, we don't need to

There are days where I will run from it all and try to escape the downfall of my heart. I am a silly, silly girl who is afraid to give 100% to just one thing. Just one person, even her own self. I forget to have faith in the universe that I am fine and that I am in the right direction. I get clouded by doubts and petty thoughts that ends up whirling me into a rabbit hole while the dirt falls on top of me. I claw at my own skin letting my fingernails fill with dead skin particles. I know that even though it is dead, it is still me. Perhaps I did die a long time ago and I will forever be searching for my body. Or perhaps my body is forever searching for it's soul. The truth is maybe I like it this way. Maybe I like my own bitterness because without it I wouldn't know happiness. I am unlike everyone, and everyone is unlike everyone else. Except, I know that I am also like everyone and everyone is also like everyone else. I like being around my family, because I speak less but I dislike it because I am unable to communicate in ways that I truly want to. The beauty of art is that I can communicate and it will be perceived in many ways and neither one of them will be wrong. If only words were like that. If only words were easier, there would be less pain. I cause my own pain. I also cause my own joy. I question myself because there is no one to question me. I doubt myself because there are many that judge me. Silently. And I accept because I need it. I need all the negativity in the world so I can pick it all apart and know more. I know once I know more, I will not need to know any more. I will not need. Or want. And it could be a lifelong process that when I'm 65, I will be purely content with myself and my life instead of just saying I am. But I say that I am because it's good practice to be in the mind frame you wish to be in, always. I am happy. I am content. I am just going with the flow. I am just being.

je suis heureuse

 

Freedom to dance. Freedom to sing. Freedom to do my own thing. I know my own potential, but yet I still do not trust that I can fly. I know what I don't want, even if I don't always know why. Funny how in a blink of an eye I can time travel. I look back and think, wow, was that ever a ride. These past four months of interning was incredible. I have the option to return if I want. Can I do it? Would I? There are yeses and there are nos. Truth be told I can't answer it right now. I am trying to relax at the moment. I have been sleeping all day and eating pineapple. I can hear the birds out the window and I can see the sun is about to set. I am content right now. I don't need to worry about the future or what I want. I just know that I will know when I get there. I accept the twists and turns and the uncertainty. I like the challenge it gives my mind. Even if it drives me insane sometimes. Today, today is a beautiful day. Just like the day before and the day before and the day before. I think I need to sit on the beach. Or under a waterfall. Perhaps I should paint. Or, I should just go back and lie down and contemplate away.Yeah. I like that. I will also drink Sprite.

Luxury in comparison

It is a wide world and not just out there, in my mind. The possibilities are endless to the point where I can overwhelm myself. How silly it is, isn't it? That I can overwhelm myself with my own options and that I almost take it for granted. I have been fortunate enough to be given everything in the world to choose from. I really do. My life is a luxury. Being able to breathe is a luxury. Being able to know the difference between polluted air and fresh air, AND experiencing both, is a luxury. I combine both worlds into one just by crossing one ocean. I experience all sorts of love just by crossing one ocean. I am able to cross one ocean in 30 hours and experience all sorts of emotions in one day. Experience is a luxury and I am fortunate to get it.
So, why does my little mind like to complicate things for me? Why does my little mind think everything is so overwhelming? Why doesn't my little mind just shut the hell up??
Hm. Good for me though. I am living the life of luxury because life gives me choices, and because in comparison to the local life in the Philippines I am living in luxury. And I can't even concentrate on what I am writing because I am surrounded by computers, technology and conversations that extend all the way across the world. So much stuff going on. Like in my little world-wide mind. If this is all luxury, I can sure use some time away. I can sure use some quiet time alone.