funny days..

There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said before. I piece together the puzzle slowly, analyzing each colour and shape that could be the perfect fit. Have I mentioned how I like my solitude? The same cycle is always recurring. Now I can tell you when they full moon is coming. I am always going to feel this no matter where I am. It may be a little less, or a little more, but nonetheless this.... this feeling may linger.
It's been a wild year. I accomplished more than I realized and even then it was just on such a small scale. I see big things and take small steps. I can take my whole life to build my empire, remembering that it too does not have much significance. The way people remember you will sum up your whole existence. It is short, our time. But time is endless, there is so much time for everything. There is time to be happy about speckles of white fluffy clouds falling from the sky. There is time to dance around and type endless babbling on a screen that eventually will take away your vision. Perhaps I should enjoy this limbo I am in. Often it is the anticipation of what is to come that is more fun than what actually comes. I am free, free, free, free... for now. But I feel like an animal that has chosen to leave it's home: frightened, excited and alone. Ah, but I suppose I have lived my entire life like that. What is the difference now?

a letter unsent

It was never my dream. Although I do know I asked for it. Every experience that happens is because I wished for it to be that way.
Every thing I've ever gone through is because I am strong enough to overcome it. It is because I wanted to know what it was like to experience all things, and because I wanted to know how to feel and how to feel deeply with all of my heart. I wanted to grow, and I wanted to build myself up stronger than I've ever been before. I wanted to rise up and tell myself I could do it, even if I had to do it on my own. And now, I have asked myself to have courage. I have asked myself to be honest with myself and with others and so now the time is come that I can not avoid it anymore. The moment is upon me and although there will be many opportunities, I can not hold on anymore. I can see it in myself if I am to stay, that day by day my spirit will die. What is best for me, will not always be the best for others but I can not be afraid to do what is best for me because it is not the best for others. Hasn't that been my whole life? Always trying to do what might be best for others? Even if it hurts me in the process? Haven't I always set myself aside...
No.. I think about it now and I realize I wasn't as afraid before. I left and came back and left and came back. I will always have a life here, I am sure of it. So why have I been so afraid now? Attachment. Disappointment.
Over the years I have grown. I have changed and I have become more aware. I will never be able to replace these years that have passed me. I will always remember them. I see so much good that has happened, but I know that feeling when it comes.
The feeling of the desire to spread my wings... to fly and to see just what else this grand world has to offer me.
And I know, it will happen more than this one time. It happens many times.
I have just forgotten, but I will not be afraid.

They say we are one, and if that be true then of the dark side of me consists the darkness of everyone. However, if that really is true, then I am confident that there is more light in everyone and of them I have been built from pieces of their beautiful souls.

november...

Gray skies fill my peripheral.
The trees seem to have lost their child-like essence.
Everything is preparing for a deep slumber, things are moving slower.
The way the air feels is damp. Cool, as the fog hovers above the river, sweeping slow over the grass.
The grass that once was green has become littered with brown, wet leaves.
Slowly returning to it's roots.
I feel unsettled, as if something is going to happen.
But what, I don't know. The clouds promise snow.
The wind promises change.
Nightfall is so quick to come, but it does so like a stealth, without warning.
But there is no light coming from the moon with these November skies.
November is almost over. It is the month that signifies death, but at the same time, it promises rebirth.
The cycle will continue.

I feel too much. I have days where I feel like I can't stand being around people. Anyone. I have days where I feel like being a mute. Or a deaf. So I don't have to speak anything, or hear anything. What I hear makes my heart cringe and my soul wince briefly before the water flows it off me. The dirtiness. I feel like I can't stand who I am around words that don't mean anything, or conversations that are so... shallow. I feel like I can't relate, that even if I just "be", it is too... different. I am then considered, "upset", "cold", "judgmental." I feel like I need the silence. And I feel like I need to be alone. I feel like I need to listen to people because no one really knows how to listen. I feel like I want to shake people and tell them to wake up. I feel like I need to listen to myself. And remember that nothing that anyone says really matters. That nothing in the end will really matter, except for the things that brought me happiness. And the things that I never tried to do. I feel like I am so full of love, with constant battles of my past inner demons. I feel like my demons can win on days where I am so exhausted, spent, from listening, from creating, from... being. I feel like I see the best in people, and the worst in myself so I am constantly seeking to improve. I feel like even though I see the best in people, they can irritate me when they can't see the best in each other or in themselves. I feel like we waste so much time caring about all the wrong things, about all the wrong people. I feel like we don't understand anything. Like I don't understand anything. I feel like being in the bushes, far away from everyone. But then I feel like I will stop growing and learning. Because everyone is my teacher.
I feel like sleeping.

Fridays..

I'm not quite sure why I'm typing this right now. I've been sitting here for a minute, thinking.
Just about today. And everything I have learned over the past couple days.
I see it happening. I am simply an observer. An observer of Life who, at this moment, is
being wooed by her dreams. It is true, when you are searching for Love, you can see it.
Every day. Everywhere around you.
And when I was growing up I wanted nothing more than to be loved. To love and be loved.
So I have made it come true.

Winter is coming. I can feel it in the air.
And I can see it in just the way that the street lamps glow off the bare trees.
So lovely it seems.
And like the moon, whose tide comes and goes
As it goes from dark to full
I am reminded of why
Life is beautiful.

Good night.

LIES!

Pictures tell lies. Have you noticed that in photographs ordinary people look amazing beautifully. And naturally beautiful people tend to look... ordinary. And also, when you take a picture of a beautiful sunset, or an amazing view... it looks nothing close to the real thing. It gets dumbed down. As if to tell you that you can't even handle the awesomeness of it all and that in this picture, it had to tone down it's beauty for you. Nature's real beauty doesn't want to be captured in some stupid photo. It wants you to see the real thing, in real life. And experience it in real life. So it short circuits the camera and produces lies. Natural beauty is too real. And pictures are fake.

a little bit...

...of insanity can go a long way. What is the point of thinking normally anyway?
I had a teacher in kindergarten that told me to colour outside of the lines. And then a few teachers told me to think outside the box. Well, I just put my whole self right outside the whole box, far away from the lines... and observed everything that went in that box. It's amazing how full it seems, yet, there is always room for more.

hungry...

I'm like a sponge. A creative eating sponge. Ready to absorb and ready to wring myself out and soak up some more.

thoughts...

Highs and lows, ebbs and flows
Day by day, to and fro
No one knows where the path goes
But we go, we go, we go...
And suddenly we stop
Perhaps high above a mountain top
And see the world so vast,
See how time has moved so fast...
But here, in this stillness... the moment really lasts.
Isn't it exciting, just to be creating,
To even have the capability of contemplating
Dream-ship navigating
Through the course of the stars...
Everything is in reach, our hearts are never far
But it is patience. Patience.
Believing is achieving, life lessons happen for a reason..
The cycles do happen,
The changing of the seasons...
The cycles flows,
With our highs and lows,
We ebb and flow.

I'm lucky...

...To already know the meaning of Love.
...To have already experienced true Love
...To have been taught the true meaning.. and
...To be able to know the difference... and
...To have the knowledge on how to truly Love.

Saturday Night

I was lying on my bed next to my brand new snowboard wondering if it really was a suitable, logical purchase considering my funds. And then I came to an abrupt conclusion. The cure to all doubts is the knowledge that I may die at any moment. My snowboard brings me more happiness than most other things, especially in the winter. Can that really have a value? I might as well enjoy it and scrape up every morsel of happiness I can muster out of it. Regardless of the cost. Besides, I probably paid for the meal of a couple families in the process. And me, I get to have fun.

the scene

Is done. I would rather stay home then have to endure that again. Sigh. Every time I tell myself, I'll go out... it'll be fun, my girls are there, people I haven't seen in a while, whatever. And so I go. And I just remember why I rarely go out in the first place. What for? I don't like drinking anymore. I don't really like crowds. The places I go have shitty rap that I can't stand. There is no soul in these words and why am I paying to not have fun? To be fair, I do see some pretty cool cats that inspire me. And when I say pretty, they are pretty. And I can have fun sober.. in my own little mind, envisioning my own cozy home.. dancing around to another rhythm in my head.