because what I wake up for every day, and some days grudgingly leave the comfort of home for; what I call "work" I have now actually understood that it too is an art. It is not just a means to an end. And it is not just to pay my bills. It is my education. I am fortunate that in my profession, art and creativity come with the package and it is a bonus that it helps to pay the bills.
Mailyne - Visual Art.Modeling.Photography.Video.Writing.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Like a crockpot...
Over the past few days I have noticed a change in myself and in the way that I operate at work. The place that I once felt love for, then irritation and frustration has now settled into a steady constant plateau. I have accepted that I will remain here for at least a little longer. Who knows when until, but while I am there I have decided (and I am inspired to use the term from my freewill astrology) to be like a crockpot; gradual, deliberate and thorough. Not only in my work, but in my art. I will feel at peace while I work. I will only do my work with the utmost quality, and I will try to achieve the best for myself in what I do. I will allow myself the freedom to learn, but I will have the confidence in myself that every move, every action, every creation be done with care. Quality. Control. I will focus on nothing but that task at hand as if I am sculpting a statue of gold. The only gold in the world. To put in the focus on that one task and do it well and with love, without criticizing myself or my work and also not mind anyone's opinions.. that is all I ask of myself. To be like a crockpot, cooking on slow heat, doing it's job and cooking up something entirely delicious, aromatic and to perfection.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Sleepy...
The alarm goes off at 5:45am. I roll over with a groggy head and silent the alarm on my phone. I know it will go off in 10 minutes time. I am so content where I am right now. I can feel the warm body next to me and I sigh happily as I turn into his side and fall back into a doze feeling him wrap his arm around me. We slumber comfortably until the alarm goes off again. With frustration I silence the horrible sound again. Why can't time just stand still right now? But I know it is inevitable that we must both go to work, so I try to cherish every minute I have. It feels so... nice. Have I ever woken up this happy? What did I do to deserve this? We shift positions and I turn with my back to him and smile as he moves in closer, to fill the space behind me. The alarm goes off again. I shut it off. This goes on for almost an hour. My day has started off in the best possible way.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
time alone
I need it. And sometimes I wish I had more of it. My battery seems to be extremely large and needs a lot of time to re-charge. Being alone does that. And these days, I've been feeling extremely.... introverted. I don't want to spend time with anyone. It's a struggle. I almost feel like I need to force myself to join society. I like one on one time. Time with people I don't have to talk to, listen to, or actually entertain. It's like I get an invitation and I shuffle around in my head wondering if this time will be more fun. More fun than staying at home. With myself and my cat. And then I go out, and I'm wishing I was back at home. What is the point? I am only happy when I am creating something. Not when I'm sitting at a table talking pointless babble to someone who doesn't really care. Or someone that actually only cares what I look like naked. Or someone that only really cares about their boyfriends. Or their money. I just don't care. Maybe that's why I envelope myself in my art, in my work, in creating... so I don't have to feel obligated to be a part of... lame conversations. Sigh. I hope this passes. Or I'll have to move into the bushes somewhere... somewhere far from society and only come into town to pick up more art supplies or collaborate on fascinating ideas with extremely fascinating, eccentric, wildly loving people.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Overwhelmed
I didn't think it was possible to get overwhelmed by your feelings for an activity. I also didn't think it was possible for a person such as myself to become overwhelmed by someone. But it has happened. I am completely devoted, ridiculously enamored, hopelessly head over heels and passionately in servitude for my best friend and for art. I can't even describe to you in words how intense it's becoming. Sometimes I can't even breathe. I can't even WRITE this. My heart fills up. My throat contracts. My insides ache for more. And it gets more intense when I think about the two. For fuck's sake, it's only 8am. I have to get ready for work. And the funny thing is. I'm so excited to get the work day over with. But not because it's over and I can go home and do nothing. But because I can go home and envelope myself in fun and creativity.. and when I'm lucky enough to have the same schedule, envelope myself in him.
Monday, October 19, 2009
mon amour..
Can it be so?
One can fall in love
And not know?
You can love someone
And not know you're in love?
There is no denying the heart,
When it chose from the start
Whom it couldn't bear to part.
Even if you tried.
Ah, denial.
Oblivious all the while,
When all the signs were apparent.
Clear.
I walked blind,
Memories on my mind
And thinking, when is my time?
When?
WHY?!
So silly of me, not to see.
But then again,
How could I know?
I had not yet grown.
I had no idea what love meant.
But in all this time that we've spent...
It's clear.
It was when I dropped all my fears
That I could grasp the concept
of love.
It took time,
But I know above all,
I needed to understand Love
before I could be in love.
And not know?
You can love someone
And not know you're in love?
There is no denying the heart,
When it chose from the start
Whom it couldn't bear to part.
Even if you tried.
Ah, denial.
Oblivious all the while,
When all the signs were apparent.
Clear.
I walked blind,
Memories on my mind
And thinking, when is my time?
When?
WHY?!
So silly of me, not to see.
But then again,
How could I know?
I had not yet grown.
I had no idea what love meant.
But in all this time that we've spent...
It's clear.
It was when I dropped all my fears
That I could grasp the concept
of love.
It took time,
But I know above all,
I needed to understand Love
before I could be in love.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
the beauty in the breakdown...
The sun was about to set as I emerged from the Rideau Centre. I had immediately forgotten the construction going on with Mackenzie King Bridge. The once two way bridge had been closed in half so that the one side had officially been turned into the only side. They had constructed a makeshift platform with temporary bus stops while the bridge was being broken down to be built back up, better. Stronger. Don't we go through that in our wonderful mess of depression that we face every so often. Or maybe too often?
I stepped onto the bus and took a seat at the back facing the back doors. The bus lurched forward and I watched as an ambulance with it's bright lights pulled right up in front of the Rideau Centre entrance, cutting the bus off. We waited a few moments before the bus started up to creep forward again along the bridge. I silently gazed out the windows seeing the fences and construction men pass by before my eyes. We crossed the canal and I noticed the sun setting and it's reflection off the water. I noticed the way that it lit up the side of the Chateau Laurier, and how it seemed to wink at me through the trees, the buildings and through the fences that were meant to protect us from the danger of construction.
How funny we were being protected from construction when it looked like destruction. I was slightly taken aback by how calm it made me feel, and how plainly simple it was to me as I reveled in how I actually enjoyed feeling the disorder that it brought. The way people looked around, without their knowledge.. in awe. Things should be shaken up every once in a while. Things should be broken down even if they don't look they needed fixing. Sometimes the outcome is much better and sometimes it is necessary. I liked the confusion it brought. I could understand why it would confuse and irritate people when things were out of order.. when things weren't perfect as they had been the day before.
But really, don't we all find a way to make it work for us? Don't we just find a way to work around it? And eventually doesn't the chaos almost feel... normal? We end up going about our day just the same, with a minor adjustment in our plans. And when everything is back to normal... won't we just forget about all that disorder we once complained about anyway?
Ah. What a beautiful thing to see it all clearly now.
I stepped onto the bus and took a seat at the back facing the back doors. The bus lurched forward and I watched as an ambulance with it's bright lights pulled right up in front of the Rideau Centre entrance, cutting the bus off. We waited a few moments before the bus started up to creep forward again along the bridge. I silently gazed out the windows seeing the fences and construction men pass by before my eyes. We crossed the canal and I noticed the sun setting and it's reflection off the water. I noticed the way that it lit up the side of the Chateau Laurier, and how it seemed to wink at me through the trees, the buildings and through the fences that were meant to protect us from the danger of construction.
How funny we were being protected from construction when it looked like destruction. I was slightly taken aback by how calm it made me feel, and how plainly simple it was to me as I reveled in how I actually enjoyed feeling the disorder that it brought. The way people looked around, without their knowledge.. in awe. Things should be shaken up every once in a while. Things should be broken down even if they don't look they needed fixing. Sometimes the outcome is much better and sometimes it is necessary. I liked the confusion it brought. I could understand why it would confuse and irritate people when things were out of order.. when things weren't perfect as they had been the day before.
But really, don't we all find a way to make it work for us? Don't we just find a way to work around it? And eventually doesn't the chaos almost feel... normal? We end up going about our day just the same, with a minor adjustment in our plans. And when everything is back to normal... won't we just forget about all that disorder we once complained about anyway?
Ah. What a beautiful thing to see it all clearly now.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
snow or rain?
I feel like I have come down with something, but I have no symptoms other than feeling drudgy, slow... tired. It seems like all I feel like doing is sleeping. Or maybe it's just because of my ridiculous backwards schedule... where I spend most of my evening engrossed in vampire stories and whatever the hell else I've been doing.
People expect me to have answers to their predictable question, "what have you been doing the past few days, how was your weekend?" But no, half of me knows it's just a question of habit, and the other half knows they probably don't really care. So I tell them truthfully, "I have no idea what I've been doing. I'm sure my weekend was wonderful at the time, but honestly, I can't really remember. It feels like one blurry dream." And then they laugh and tell me something stupid like, "Wow, you must have been so drunk, must have been a great weekend if you can't remember." No, you fools, I seriously don't care about what happened yesterday or two days ago. I'm here, right now, with you. Why does it matter? All our memories are just recordings that aren't even recorded properly into our own heads anyway. I feel like snapping at them.
Anyway, it's almost another full moon. Can it really be that time already? One full moon cycle, or month, has passed, again? I can barely keep up. Especially in the last few days of my stay-cation, the days are a blur. Ridiculous. What am I living for? No, I am not suicidal. I've just been wondering in awe what the purpose of life is when I don't remember anything right anyway, and all my dreams I have seem to be real. Sigh. It's like that quote I read somewhere about how when you get older you forget everything and you become confused with reality, and then the only things you start to remember are the ones that never really happened.
Am I even alive? Or awake, right now? I function on no sleep, my stomach doesn't like north american food and everything seems... oddly on pause. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my Life. Wasn't that the purpose of my stay-cation? To figure out what I want to do with my Life? I did... however figure out my dream job. I had myself type it out, print it and mount it on my fridge so I could force myself to read it everyday. I'll probably forget it's there. Discarded once used.
Anyway, what is the use of figuring out anything anyway? The weather can't even figure out if it wants to rain or snow. I'll wait for the weather to decide.
People expect me to have answers to their predictable question, "what have you been doing the past few days, how was your weekend?" But no, half of me knows it's just a question of habit, and the other half knows they probably don't really care. So I tell them truthfully, "I have no idea what I've been doing. I'm sure my weekend was wonderful at the time, but honestly, I can't really remember. It feels like one blurry dream." And then they laugh and tell me something stupid like, "Wow, you must have been so drunk, must have been a great weekend if you can't remember." No, you fools, I seriously don't care about what happened yesterday or two days ago. I'm here, right now, with you. Why does it matter? All our memories are just recordings that aren't even recorded properly into our own heads anyway. I feel like snapping at them.
Anyway, it's almost another full moon. Can it really be that time already? One full moon cycle, or month, has passed, again? I can barely keep up. Especially in the last few days of my stay-cation, the days are a blur. Ridiculous. What am I living for? No, I am not suicidal. I've just been wondering in awe what the purpose of life is when I don't remember anything right anyway, and all my dreams I have seem to be real. Sigh. It's like that quote I read somewhere about how when you get older you forget everything and you become confused with reality, and then the only things you start to remember are the ones that never really happened.
Am I even alive? Or awake, right now? I function on no sleep, my stomach doesn't like north american food and everything seems... oddly on pause. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my Life. Wasn't that the purpose of my stay-cation? To figure out what I want to do with my Life? I did... however figure out my dream job. I had myself type it out, print it and mount it on my fridge so I could force myself to read it everyday. I'll probably forget it's there. Discarded once used.
Anyway, what is the use of figuring out anything anyway? The weather can't even figure out if it wants to rain or snow. I'll wait for the weather to decide.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Another 5am?
Another 5am. I think I'm going insane. I know I bring this all upon myself, but seriously? Today I woke up at a quarter to 1pm. Is this how it would be if I didn't lead a normal life of human existence? God, I think I'm reading too much Twilight. I read the first novel in oh... if I had to count up the hours, I think it was about 6? 7? I started New Moon at about.. 2:30am. I am halfway through it. It is 4:58am as I type.
It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...
It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.
I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?
It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?
Am I wrong to even want it?
Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.
The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...
Why would I ever miss that?
Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.
Silly adults.
Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.
It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...
It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.
I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?
It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?
Am I wrong to even want it?
Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.
The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...
Why would I ever miss that?
Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.
Silly adults.
Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
5am
I am awake at 5am making gifts!
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Stay-cation
I would like to pat myself on the back for my first day of stay-cation, where I have decided to stay inside my home and selectively choose whom I make contact with and how. I know, I know.. it really could be called dishonest, but seriously, I need my own time. I need some control of my Life right now and this week being my week off, I have decided to give myself the power to decide whatever I feel like and not feel guilty for it.
After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.
I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.
After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.
I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
studying to the dream...
Blah. I am taking a break from the mundane textbook I am reading. I have an exam tomorrow worth $2000 and more. It signifies the completion of my apprenticeship in Hairstyling, allowing me to function as a fully licensed stylist. Meaning I can now own my own hair salon. And I have been reading this textbook looking back at when I was in class and how interesting it used to be for me. Now.. it seems like pointless babble. Jargon I am tired of. It's not that I don't love it.. I do love certain aspects of it. It's just that it's time for me to let it go.
And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.
It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.
But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"
And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.
And of course there will be the guilt trip. From myself, from my employers, from my clients, from my parents... probably. What else would you do? Why spend so much time on something and only to give it up? Why not just keep doing it to earn a living? Don't you know that there are hairstylists that make more money than lawyers and dentists and doctors? Blah fucking blah.
It is not my dream. It is someone elses' dream. For me it is a stepping stone. A learning curve. A form of income temporarily. It was a way to build my confidence, my self-esteem and my skills. It was a way to discover who I am, and who I want to be. Even if it can be confusing. It showed me I can accomplish many things I never imagined I could and it allowed me another entry into creativity.. ie: photo shoots and creative directing. It is a way to see the other side, to be in the position of stylist rather than client and a way for me to understand people more. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that uses multi-billions of dollars worth of energy, feeds the egos of everyone within it, fills the pockets of everyone who works within it and gives the consumer a feeling of happiness internally and externally all at the same time. It is definitely a stressful, yet consistent business, definitely a non-environmentally friendly business and definitely an interesting business. And I could go on.
But I have come to a stand still. Here are the questions that have held me at a stand still. The 3 most frequently asked questions in the world: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in this life?"
And so I am researching. And overall I am happy. Thank goodness. And amongst the many thanks I have to give this Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful that I am capable of re-evaluating my life during the week off that my beautiful place of employment has allowed us.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Of no real meaning...
These symbols... words that you read on this screen right now, have no real moral to it. I'm just pouring out my thoughts and whoever chooses to read this right now has to bear it. This past weekend was the full moon. Sunday, October 4th to be exact. Some people may wonder what that has to do with anything, but for me, the moon really has a powerful effect on me. My body follows it's cycles monthly. I can tell you exactly when nature's worst time for females is upon me based on the monthly moon cycle. When I see the moon it has a calming effect on me. I feel peaceful. I could recall many moments when I have stared up at the bright, white circle in the sky and felt truly.. in awe. Any person that was me at that moment would have felt like no thing in the world was more beautiful and no moment except that one was perfect.
I just finished cooking dinner for friends. It was delicious. And I need friends in my life that love to eat in order for me to get that pleasure of cooking such a real meal. I can't cook like that for just myself.. it just seems like such a pity for one single soul to consume it and not share it with others.
These friends will be married soon. Well, on paper... since practically they are, by definition... married.
Part of me wonders if I could ever settle down and be with that one person that will be my best friend until I die. You know? That I would go grocery shopping with, cook dinners with, travel around with, create art with, talk deeply about everything with, and wake up and fall asleep next to. I love all these things that I write here... but no one has enticed me enough to follow through. No one has known me long enough for me to really care if it happens... and part of me just doesn't feel it enough with anyone to want to put in the time and effort. Because seriously, if I will commit, then that person sure as hell better know what it's like to be a friend first. A friend first, a lover second.
I do have a best guy friend. I've known for almost 10 years. I'm still getting to know him, and he's one of the best and most real friends I know and I will ever have. After 10 years of course I'm still getting to know him, he's always changing. And so am I. I'm still getting to know who I am.
I'm happy with this person that I call my "Self". I'm happy with who she's becoming, who she wants to become. Who she is when she is alone in this room typing away, and who she is when she is surrounded by precious humans. I love who she is when she is just doing what makes her happiest. And I've become more loving of who she is when she is sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely. After 24 years of getting to know her... she is definitely gaining strength and becoming... more... real.
Maybe that's what it's about. What attracts me... people who are real. Things that are real. Of real importance... that have depth. That are real enough to touch me deeply. That are real enough to have their own answers. That are real enough just to be.
I just finished cooking dinner for friends. It was delicious. And I need friends in my life that love to eat in order for me to get that pleasure of cooking such a real meal. I can't cook like that for just myself.. it just seems like such a pity for one single soul to consume it and not share it with others.
These friends will be married soon. Well, on paper... since practically they are, by definition... married.
Part of me wonders if I could ever settle down and be with that one person that will be my best friend until I die. You know? That I would go grocery shopping with, cook dinners with, travel around with, create art with, talk deeply about everything with, and wake up and fall asleep next to. I love all these things that I write here... but no one has enticed me enough to follow through. No one has known me long enough for me to really care if it happens... and part of me just doesn't feel it enough with anyone to want to put in the time and effort. Because seriously, if I will commit, then that person sure as hell better know what it's like to be a friend first. A friend first, a lover second.
I do have a best guy friend. I've known for almost 10 years. I'm still getting to know him, and he's one of the best and most real friends I know and I will ever have. After 10 years of course I'm still getting to know him, he's always changing. And so am I. I'm still getting to know who I am.
I'm happy with this person that I call my "Self". I'm happy with who she's becoming, who she wants to become. Who she is when she is alone in this room typing away, and who she is when she is surrounded by precious humans. I love who she is when she is just doing what makes her happiest. And I've become more loving of who she is when she is sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely. After 24 years of getting to know her... she is definitely gaining strength and becoming... more... real.
Maybe that's what it's about. What attracts me... people who are real. Things that are real. Of real importance... that have depth. That are real enough to touch me deeply. That are real enough to have their own answers. That are real enough just to be.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Unbelievable...
Unbelievable how the days turn into nights..
Unbelievable how the sun hits the clouds just right
And lights up the sky.
I almost can't find the words to describe this high,
This feeling of light since that night..
I have grown closer and older and this notion of future
Isn't so scary.. there's no hurry or worry...
I am so happy
That
My greatest mentor in Life
Is the one that's always there for me.
Unbelievable how it took this long
To see that I've been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find faces to fulfill me
When really all I needed was to be empty
And the one that could help me
That one that helps me feel strong
Was the one that was right there all along.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable how the sun hits the clouds just right
And lights up the sky.
I almost can't find the words to describe this high,
This feeling of light since that night..
I have grown closer and older and this notion of future
Isn't so scary.. there's no hurry or worry...
I am so happy
That
My greatest mentor in Life
Is the one that's always there for me.
Unbelievable how it took this long
To see that I've been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find faces to fulfill me
When really all I needed was to be empty
And the one that could help me
That one that helps me feel strong
Was the one that was right there all along.
Unbelievable.
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