the beauty in the breakdown...

The sun was about to set as I emerged from the Rideau Centre. I had immediately forgotten the construction going on with Mackenzie King Bridge. The once two way bridge had been closed in half so that the one side had officially been turned into the only side. They had constructed a makeshift platform with temporary bus stops while the bridge was being broken down to be built back up, better. Stronger. Don't we go through that in our wonderful mess of depression that we face every so often. Or maybe too often?

I stepped onto the bus and took a seat at the back facing the back doors. The bus lurched forward and I watched as an ambulance with it's bright lights pulled right up in front of the Rideau Centre entrance, cutting the bus off. We waited a few moments before the bus started up to creep forward again along the bridge. I silently gazed out the windows seeing the fences and construction men pass by before my eyes. We crossed the canal and I noticed the sun setting and it's reflection off the water. I noticed the way that it lit up the side of the Chateau Laurier, and how it seemed to wink at me through the trees, the buildings and through the fences that were meant to protect us from the danger of construction.

How funny we were being protected from construction when it looked like destruction. I was slightly taken aback by how calm it made me feel, and how plainly simple it was to me as I reveled in how I actually enjoyed feeling the disorder that it brought. The way people looked around, without their knowledge.. in awe. Things should be shaken up every once in a while. Things should be broken down even if they don't look they needed fixing. Sometimes the outcome is much better and sometimes it is necessary. I liked the confusion it brought. I could understand why it would confuse and irritate people when things were out of order.. when things weren't perfect as they had been the day before.

But really, don't we all find a way to make it work for us? Don't we just find a way to work around it? And eventually doesn't the chaos almost feel... normal? We end up going about our day just the same, with a minor adjustment in our plans. And when everything is back to normal... won't we just forget about all that disorder we once complained about anyway?

Ah. What a beautiful thing to see it all clearly now.

snow or rain?

I feel like I have come down with something, but I have no symptoms other than feeling drudgy, slow... tired. It seems like all I feel like doing is sleeping. Or maybe it's just because of my ridiculous backwards schedule... where I spend most of my evening engrossed in vampire stories and whatever the hell else I've been doing.

People expect me to have answers to their predictable question, "what have you been doing the past few days, how was your weekend?" But no, half of me knows it's just a question of habit, and the other half knows they probably don't really care. So I tell them truthfully, "I have no idea what I've been doing. I'm sure my weekend was wonderful at the time, but honestly, I can't really remember. It feels like one blurry dream." And then they laugh and tell me something stupid like, "Wow, you must have been so drunk, must have been a great weekend if you can't remember." No, you fools, I seriously don't care about what happened yesterday or two days ago. I'm here, right now, with you. Why does it matter? All our memories are just recordings that aren't even recorded properly into our own heads anyway. I feel like snapping at them.

Anyway, it's almost another full moon. Can it really be that time already? One full moon cycle, or month, has passed, again? I can barely keep up. Especially in the last few days of my stay-cation, the days are a blur. Ridiculous. What am I living for? No, I am not suicidal. I've just been wondering in awe what the purpose of life is when I don't remember anything right anyway, and all my dreams I have seem to be real. Sigh. It's like that quote I read somewhere about how when you get older you forget everything and you become confused with reality, and then the only things you start to remember are the ones that never really happened.

Am I even alive? Or awake, right now? I function on no sleep, my stomach doesn't like north american food and everything seems... oddly on pause. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my Life. Wasn't that the purpose of my stay-cation? To figure out what I want to do with my Life? I did... however figure out my dream job. I had myself type it out, print it and mount it on my fridge so I could force myself to read it everyday. I'll probably forget it's there. Discarded once used.

Anyway, what is the use of figuring out anything anyway? The weather can't even figure out if it wants to rain or snow. I'll wait for the weather to decide.

Another 5am?

Another 5am. I think I'm going insane. I know I bring this all upon myself, but seriously? Today I woke up at a quarter to 1pm. Is this how it would be if I didn't lead a normal life of human existence? God, I think I'm reading too much Twilight. I read the first novel in oh... if I had to count up the hours, I think it was about 6? 7? I started New Moon at about.. 2:30am. I am halfway through it. It is 4:58am as I type.

It makes me think of being a kid. Staying up late into the night reading ridiculous harlequin novels and whatever else I could read to get out of this world. Reading really does put me somewhere else. I have to be cautious sometimes... I'd really hate to think that I could despise this world I'm in and wish to be in another. Just like when I was a kid. Hm. It made me think of something else too - this novel...

It made me think of first love. First heartbreak.

I mean seriously? Could I have actually felt a longing to be a kid again just for that? That feeling of complete and utter despair when the person whom you thought was the love of your life, crushes you into a million pieces until you're left clutching your guts on the floor? Breathless? Drowning in puddles of your salty tears?

It has been a long time... 2, maybe 3 years since I even last felt the tiniest hint of such a feeling. Has it been longer since I've had such a feeling of irresponsible, irrevocable breath shattering love and pain? Has time gone by so much that all it's really dwindled down to is a mindless catch and release, empty and void of emotion? And I thought I was getting too nice. I haven't at all, in the slightest opened up. And when I did.. when Arizona brought me that sweet, glimpse of fluttering heartbeats, one lump formed in my throat and I pushed it all away. Like it was nothing. And I tell myself, oh, it really was nothing. No tears? Is that what happens when you get older? You become void of any serious, heart-tearing, gut-wrenching emotions?

Am I wrong to even want it?

Why then, do I feel like I am missing something?
Why then, do I miss the hours of late night phone conversations.
Silly 4am text messages.
The awkwardness of first dates, hand-holding... first kisses...
The stupid, ridiculous and absolutely insane feeling of needing someone. That person.

The horrible thoughts of ever losing that person whom your whole life revolves around.
Completely losing yourself in them...

Why would I ever miss that?

Looking back now, I would have hung on to those years for just a bit longer if I had known I would be missing them like this... if I had known, love would never be like that again.

Silly adults.

Silly novels. What a pitiful waste of wanting.
This 5am madness has to stop sometime.

5am

I am awake at 5am making gifts!
Actually.. I am finished now.
And I should probably go to bed.
I just thought I should write something completely pointless for once.
I love you.

Stay-cation

I would like to pat myself on the back for my first day of stay-cation, where I have decided to stay inside my home and selectively choose whom I make contact with and how. I know, I know.. it really could be called dishonest, but seriously, I need my own time. I need some control of my Life right now and this week being my week off, I have decided to give myself the power to decide whatever I feel like and not feel guilty for it.

After I finished writing my ridiculous exam that I studied (with much effort), I walked home in the rain after which I changed right back into my PJ's, and took a nap. It was 11am. And my best girl decided to come down and join me. So we napped for 5 hours, with brief intervals of me waking up and reading chapters of this novel before I passed back out again. I then woke up, baked 14 chicken nuggets and ate them with three different sauces. I also made myself a gianormous pot of chicken veggie soup, with just a bit if spice to warm the palette. It is so big, I could eat it for a week. I also baked chocolate brownies, painted, went back to sleep, watched a movie, finished my novel, skimmed through pictures to inspire me for creative shoots and spent hours on the internet... this being my final few minutes before I head off to pillow land again. And although to most people it seemed like a busy day... this was my version of doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it was a fabulous, rainy day full of my version of nothing.

I absolutely love my life and am thankful for 6 more days of utter bliss.