If someone were to point to a deep, dark, cold hole in the ground and tell you to jump in with nothing except one solitary match and say "don't use it until you've found something in there to light it with and keep it ablaze," what would your response be?
When confronting any trauma it has been said that the best way to overcome it is to look it directly in the eye and face it with no fear. When letting go of the past one has been told that one must first focus on what must be let go of, feel it very deeply, forgive and then let go. After, one is then free to move forward with nothing hindering progression or growth. Sometimes a lot of what holds a person back is their inability to let go past traumatic situations, whether they are conscious of it or not. I suppose in order to transform it is best to wrap your beautiful ugly into a cocoon and remain still, in the darkness, until nature permits you to exit your shell with exquisite wings, free to fly.
And so here we are. I am prepared to wrap my beautiful ugly into a cocoon, jump into the dark hole with the single solitary match and be still until there is something that can keep the light ablaze long enough for me to find my way out and spread my wings.
It starts long before I was born, but that story would be ridiculous for me to try to narrate as I don't have all the details and I'm sure I never will. I will try as best to recount the events of my childhood in a chronological order, but as I attempt to lift the haze and break down years of hardened molten lava encompassing solid, concrete walls, there may be memories that float up unannounced. So the order of these may be jumbled, but then such are the memories of life...
From the last time I wrote to now, I have been feeling suddenly restored in spirit. Physically I am still tired, especially in my eyes. Last night before falling asleep I told the Universe that I am here for it to do whatever it wants with me. This may sound crazy yes, but I have given in. At least for the time being, I am allowing myself to follow through freely. Flow like water. This morning when I woke up I asked myself to please go through this day at peace with whatever was to happen and see the world through my heart instead. It worked. I floated through the work day unflinching. I feel much more relieved that my equilibrium is being restored. Perhaps not totally, but I believe a few more days alone will do it.
Believing is a powerful thing. The mind is such a powerful force, and it is hard to take care of and observe. But one must. One must in order to set priorities straight, to be able to listen carefully to the heart and also to be able to make decisions wisely through a clear mind. There are few tasks that take more effort than this one, but even fewer tasks where the reward is significantly greater than any dollar value. What I have just witnessed myself experience in the past 24 hours, is definitely greater than any dollar value. Definitely.
There is something about being awake at 3am. Perhaps it is because it is the hour that the streets can be almost completely bare except the few drunken homeless people that meander about in a happy, yet angry daze that time does not exist for them.
I have been "spilling the beans" as I've heard it been called. Pouring out every inch of my soul with honesty, even if it is killing me. Or healing me. Not quite sure which one it is right now. I am perhaps one inch closer to feeling free. I was asked the question, "so what will you do then?" and in my mind I thought, well, there are many things I could do, all of which would only sound irresponsible to fully devoted, well planned and routine-based business people. It is not that I want to assume no responsibility, it is that I am feeling spiritually unfulfilled. I don't need to explain this to anyone. It is my heart that is crying out to me. I have not been listening.
So... I try. I try to listen. Tell me dearest heart, what would you love to be doing? If you could, what have you always wanted to try doing? Creating it says. Writing. Traveling the world taking pictures. Writing about traveling the world. Creating images and art based on what I've seen in the world. What my heart has felt. Indulging in luxurious pleasures while remembering I am even so lucky to be breathing this air. Spending time with family whom I see... what feels like every 100 yrs.
Of course I am exaggerating. I just despise using work and money as the only excuse as to why I can not visit my mother. My dear mother who gave me up only so that I could have a better future. My dear mother who thinks she has lost me to the world and that I will never come back. My dear mother whom I owe my unconditional and undying love and life to. She is the reason why I am here.
And all so that I could be happy, healthy and with a world full of opportunities.
But I can not do anything without help. I am just too shy, too proud and too fearful to ask for help. So.. here I am ready to ask. In the form of words... on a screen and with whomever wants to be reading this. Here it is. Universe, I need your help. I am uncertain of what I should do with my Life. All I know is that the industry I am in currently has me feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. There are areas of the industry that I LOVE to do, which involves a more creative side. But, I have been told that I can't live this way and that I need to make my bread and butter.... I know this, but I only feel like I am simply feeding the ego of others. I know the people I meet are helping me in many ways too, but I don't feel like my purpose is just to help people look pretty and take their money.
I can't help but feel like my time with them is up soon and it isn't the only thing for me. I want to help people. I want to write. I want to travel the world and meet inspirational, soulful people and write about my journeys. I want to create art and inspire. But where do I even start? I have been told that if you do what you love the money will come. But what if what you thought you loved, was only what you needed for the time being and was simply a stepping stone to guide you? What if I am wrong about what I love to do? I have no answers at 3:43am Universe, but please show me. Guide me and steer me in the right direction. Help me find certainty and purpose in my life and the love in my heart. And please, teach me not to be afraid.
I am re-enacting a free bird. Ok, not quite so much free as sitting at the opened cage door, peering out into the world with wide eyes. I am no longer afraid, but I am excited. The last few days have been a sort of ache. A lump lodged into my throat and a burning in my belly. What will I do with my Life? And why is it all bubbling up now when weeks earlier I seemed perfectly content with the direction of my Life. Or had I been lying to myself all along? Sort of brushing off my little inner voice that screamed "FREE ME! THIS CAN'T BE ALL YOU WERE CREATED FOR?"
I must be honest with my Self and follow my heart into contentment... even if I have no idea where that path is supposed to start and where it will take me. I asked for a life of experience, one where I can learn and take a journey into my Self. I wanted to find out who I really am. DEEP inside me. Well... here it is folks. The little spark has ignited and each day it is burning brighter. I plan to take this little spark and one day have it engulf the sky in arrays of purples, reds, oranges and yellows. Until then, it starts here. Today... this minute. It is a stepping stone that I must appreciate. I can only move from here, from now. And as I have discovered, I need practice with that. More practice and more solitude.
My idea of nothing however is to lie on my bed until I feel the need to wake up and type something like this. It also consists of roaming around in my pj's until I feel like showering. The biggest thing of all of this is that it inspires me to paint... which isn't really doing nothing. However, when I am in my art... it is that which stills my mind to nothing. No thinking.
Because goodness knows, these past few days have been consistent thought. What am I going to do with my Life? What am doing in this relationship, and could it even be called that? Do I really love my job? If I was to do something else, what would it be? Do I want to stay here, where it is so comfortable? And if I was to go somewhere... where would it be? Why does any of this matter?
"I am undergoing a process in which I must first break down my whole entire idea of myself, throw it in the air and wait to see where the wind takes those pieces. Then when they land, see what shape they will be in."
